y’all i got the sweetest message from a client the other day and after months of feeling like i couldn’t write, i decided to…..just start writing.
she said that she hadn’t checked in quite a while (i can imagine because i haven’t posted anything in quite a while lol) but asked if i’ve been blogging lately and that she really enjoys reading my posts.
y’all, if you don’t know me, you don’t know i’m a crier.
i cry at alllllll the movies. ‘cuz there’s at least ONE sad part in every movie. (AND the REALLY sad ones….like Steel Magnolias, A Star Is Born, My Sister’s Keeper, The Fault in Our Stars, A Dog’s Purpose, Marley & Me when Marley dies ahhhhhhhhhh….like I can’t even. My hubby can’t help but make fun of me and Brooklyn is finally getting over that there’s nothing really WRONG with me lol….that I’m just crying….AGAIN….but it took her a long time and a lot of “Mom! What’s wrong and are you ok???????s”)
i cry when Brooklyn says the cutest things or gives me a hug when i’m least expecting it.
i cry at commercials sometimes….facebook videos…you know like the ones when mom or dad is coming home from the military and their families don’t know it or kids fighting cancer or sicknesses or goalcast videos!!!!!!!!!!! gah the tears…..and can we talk about facebook animal shelter posts for a minute?! (omg ESPECIALLY the ones where they post about a dog they just took in who is an abuse case! again, i can’t even but can i just say what in the actual hell is wrong with people?!?!?? i’d like to say go pick on someone your own size but i hate that too lol)….Mondays (j/k I actually like Mondays now)
i cry in church literally every time i’m there! there’s at least one song or one piece of the message or prayers that touch my heart. every.single.time.
i cry when i get sweet messages out of the blue from friends, clients, coaches, and even strangers who’ve been following me and i had no idea my words touched them in some way.
(just so we’re clear, i’m of the belief that there’s NOTHING wrong with a good cry….and you should never be ashamed for letting yourself cry….for letting yourself FEEL! i know that’s a HUGE part of why i got myself so stuck was that whenever i would FEEL sad I tried to drown the sadness and grief out with food or alcohol or shopping. and that only made me feel MORE SAD. it’s okay to FEEL. don’t dumb yourself. but also don’t stay there for too long. cry and do your best to move on…..like yeah, somehow even find the courage to move on from those sad movies lol)
and maybe it shouldn’t be a big deal to get a message like that but i’ve been feeling ridiculously NOT creative for a long time now. longer than i even realized. and after i realized it, it took me a long time to actually want to DO something to change it.
sooooooo….when i looked backed to see the last time i posted and saw that it was SEPTEMBER last year, her message made me cry a little.
and i’m sorry but as much as i don’t care about other people’s opinions anymore and as hard as i’ve been working to NOT need validation from anyone but God and myself, i’ll be straight up with y’all it made me feel really GOOD to have someone ask about it and basically say where have you been?!….to hear they enjoy this little thing that i do…or ha did….and it made me feel sad to think i haven’t been writing much…for sure in the past year.
i could go into a long sob story about why i haven’t been writing….(it’s not JUST about feeling like i can’t put any words together that anyone would actually want to read)….but i saw something yesterday that really hit me. (i may have even cried a little lol)
“I stopped venting and started praying because I don’t need sympathy, I need strength.”
and not-so-ironically, the wallpaper on my phone is THIS…

i realized when i read that that i do a lot of VENTING to family & friends and looking back, even my readers. and really what i should’ve been doing was more praying! but when we know better we do better, right?
i do want to keep sharing my journey here and on my social media platforms (and part of that probably technically means “venting” lol) ‘cuz i feel that’s so important! (and i’m not sure what i’d even write about if i didn’t share some of it lol?!) because before i started this blog and before i started coaching and before i started being open and vulnerable to people about my struggles, i kinda thought i was all alone and that something was inherently WRONG with me. but i do recognize now that prayer needs to come first and that there’s a fine line between confiding in someone and complaining. and the more we speak life into the negative, the bigger the negative becomes.
but my world opened up…..when i finally opened up!
i found my faith!
i found i was FAR from alone in all this! (and i share because i want YOU to know you’re not alone either!!)
i found it all had less power over me once i not only was honest with myself about it but honest with y’all about it!
i found an ah-mazing community and support system of people who just want to see me succeed and are totally fine with me just being ME. and, not only are they fine with me just being ME, it’s actually encouraged on the DAILY! (y’all may not think this thing is that big of a deal ‘cuz you’re already extremely comfortable just being you {SHOUT OUT TO ALL OF YOU WHO ALREADY ROCK BEING UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU BTW ~ I ADMIRE Y’ALL!} but if you’re new around here, you don’t know that most of my life i didn’t let most people see the real ME. only a select few people got to see that girl ‘cuz i had built so many walls around myself that i THOUGHT were protecting me. when in fact…they weren’t protecting me AT ALL. they were actually keeping me hidden and small and lonely and paralyzed by fear. and on some level, for most of my life i didn’t think it was OKAY to just be ME. i didn’t think i would be accepted for who i was. i thought i would be judged for who i was. i thought i had to be someone else….someone prettier and thinner and smarter and funnier and more outgoing and someone who could cook and bake and play softball lol (i think i’m pretty athletic and i love sports but y’all i suck at softball….i really wanted to be great at it….i kept joining city league teams hoping to be but i. just. wasn’t. and i eventually accepted it and just sat and watched my girlfriends play instead lol)….in order to be loved and accepted.)
i found a sense of purpose!
i found a joy in writing!
i found a way to get healthy, both mentally & physically (working HARD on this one!)!
i found a way to overcome mom guilt (don’t get me wrong…it’s still there ‘cuz duh we’re human BUT a way to overcome that feeling when it starts to creep in)!
i found a way to overcome the shame of my past (there’s a lot of shit there guys….and i’m not even sure i’ll be able to share about all of it in my book…YEP I’M GONNA WRITE A BOOK!…but while it’s still a process to navigate and let go of it all, the stronger my faith becomes, the more i believe i’m forgiven…that we’re all forgiven as long as we are obedient and ask & believe for it.)
i found passion and fulfillment as a wellness coach! and while i’ve made about every mistake a coach can make and i have a lot of work to do to gain people’s trust back (and some i have to accept i just probably can’t earn their trust back again and to those people, know that i’m truly sorry), i’m determined to become that coach i was when i first started. i lost my way a little about 2 years into it but i’m fighting my way back and i want nothing more to help women OVERCOME again!
so i’m gonna have to share the short version of why i’ve been especially mia without boring you or venting (too much) and that’s that my health is still a hot mess. aside from the frustration and exhaustion of it all, i feel mentally the strongest i’ve ever felt….but it’s like my body just hasn’t gotten the memo. my stomach issues are a complete disaster, i have painful and gross cystic acne, i’m losing my hair in places i don’t want and gaining hair…in places i don’t want lol, my weight keeps creeping up and while i don’t have the attachment to the scale i had for so long, it’s not a healthy thing to have happening….and some days i feel so swollen and bloated that i literally feel like my skin is crawling and that i’m literally going to explode. i’m at the highest weight i’ve ever been outside of being preggo with B….and after doctoring for going on 3 years i think and literally spendings thousands of dollars on office visits and lab draws and holistic supplements, i finally decided to take a step back from all of it. i decided to stop seeing specialists and holistic people and go back on some meds that have helped me in the past instead of being stubborn and thinking if i could JUST eat enuf kale and stop eating gluten and sugar and drinking alcohol and get more sleep that i could get out of this on my own (basically if i could just stop living my life lol ~ if y’all are new here you should also know i can be a bit dramatic at times).

(OH and btw…this isn’t a dig at holistic practices because i actually DO think it’s important to eat the kale and get the sleep and limit the alcohol lol….yeah, i didn’t say go gluten-free because i simply don’t believe EVERYONE needs to be GF…but what i think is more important is to not obsess and restrict your life away! so i actually DO THINK we also need to eat the pizza and not obsess about the lack of sleep we’re getting in this season of our lives ‘cuz there will be seasons of your life were you just can’t get enuf of it and drink the beers and margs…in moderation of course lol).
so yeah, i’m raising the white flag and listening to my family doctors and my obgyn and my therapist FINALLY. i tried all.the.things. and maybe i could’ve eventually gotten past this but i’m tired y’all. and kinda broke lol….both financially and emotionally. the last time i was at my family dr. i asked again if i was making myself sick. and i had so much relief with what she said….that i’m not doing something wrong enuf to make this happen and on the flip side, i probably can’t fix this with….kale lol. (which i of course took as, so you’re saying i CAN fix this with pizza & beer & naps & hot baths?! bahahahaha j/k) now that’s NOT to say she doesn’t think my stress and anxiety are wreaking a lot of havoc. because they are. i can recognize that. but i guess we’ll see what happens simply taking a step back. what’s ironic is that in the past few weeks since I decided to stop chasing and researching what’s wrong with me and doubting myself and obsessing about whether or not everything i put into my mouth is making me more sick that i actually already feel a little better!
anyhoo, it all kinda snowballed on me and left me tired and uninspired and wanting to take a lot of naps and hot baths lol. and i injured my shoulder somehow and couldn’t do my workouts for months and personal life and work life and on and on….and so i just wasn’t feeling like i had anything of value or importance to say/write ‘cuz at most points it would’ve been all complaining….venting….without me showing you how i was turning it all around (‘cuz i wasn’t really lol ~ i mean i was trying but i wasn’t succeeding) (and it’s also hard to write while you’re sleeping or in the bath tub)…..and maybe that’s okay too on some level because i DO STRONGLY BELIEVE we need to listen to what are bodies are trying to tell us! we DO need to rest sometimes. and sometimes if your body is telling you to take a nap or a hot bath, GO TAKE THE FREAKING NAP OR HOT BATH ALREADY and don’t feel even a LITTLE guilty for that shit! but i also believe that by and large, most of us just don’t even know what our bodies were truly meant to feel like! and most of us (‘cuz it took me a long time) don’t recognize the difference between excuses and reality. we weren’t designed to feel lethargic and blah and miserable in our own skin and unmotivated and uninspired all.the.time. we were designed to feel energetic and happy and motivated and inspired most.of.the.time! and it doesn’t serve us to make excuses as to why we can’t feel energetic and happy and motivated and inspired! we have to do all.the.things. that can help make us more energetic and happy and motivated and inspired lol!!! (and if you just haven’t found those things yet, reach out to me. maybe i can help 🙂 ).
so y’all the title of this post is “one fit life” and when i talk about having a fit life it’s all encompassing! my license plate actually says “fitlife” and i often wonder if people think it’s just about fitness. if you know me, you know i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE fitness. but to me, having a “fit life” is not just about having fitness in your life! while i think fitness can TRULY change your life….because it’s changed mine and so many others around me…..to me, the definition of a fit life is having a FIT MIND by putting God first and deciding that you are enuf JUST the way you are! because you can do.all.the.things. but if you’re not going to God first (yes, my opinion of course but this is my blog and if you’re gonna be here you’re going to have to read about my faith 🙂 ) dealing with the shit in your mind and forgiving yourself and giving yourself some grace, none of the other stuff you’re trying to do will matter. you will never have a truly fit life OR body. not focusing on your inside first will leave you feeling empty and chasing the next best thing and even if you should somehow get that fit body you’ve been dreaming of, you won’t keep it because you’ll quickly find that’s not what can make you happy and fulfilled!

(ha, yes, i can only assume this is poking a little fun at Rachel Hollis and what she writes about in her book Girl Wash Your Face. but the thing is, this is so right and so is Rachel. ‘cuz yeah she talks a LOT about how WE as strong, powerful women need to do all.the.things that would make us the best versions of ourselves and how WE need to hustle for our dreams and how WE need to start telling ourselves the truth about our lives and who we are instead of staying stuck in the lies we often tell ourselves. but if you read the book or listen to her, she’s not trying to say that there isn’t a Higher Force at play….so what i think she’s trying to say and what i believe is that WE = you+God and me+God. and until you or i make the decision to put Him first and ourselves second and everyone and everything else third and on lol, there is no WE and nothing will work. and y’all we can still read the Bible and read Girl Wash Your Face and get something out of it. Let’s stop taking everything so seriously alllllllllllllllllll the time. it doesn’t have to be all or nothing! i’m a Jesus girl but obvi i still swear a little and jen hatmaker has the occasional glass of wine and i think we should share our ministry however that looks like for YOU…..because i believe we all have a ministry and i truly believe God brings purpose into people’s lives…just like Rachel’s and Jen’s and Lysa Terkeurst’s and Michelle Obama’s and little ol’ me…so that we can all share SOMETHING that just MAYBE will open your heart.
if you’ve reached the end of this, thank you for coming back and reading. thank you for all your support….whoever and wherever you are. and, if you’re a family member or a friend or a client or coach of mine, know that i truly am sorry for being so absent in your life. i know you trusted me to be there for you and i just wasn’t. but please know that it was nothing about you and everything with me. and i’m doing everything in my power to be back in a place where i can truly serve others. i’m gonna blog more about this but i’m doing something called the “Mindset Reset” with Mel Robbins and one of the most powerful things she challenged us on getting real about was what our biggest limiting belief is. ‘cuz she said that until you get real with yourself about what’s really holding you back, you will never find true peace in your life and you will never achieve all your goals and dreams.
my biggest limiting belief is that i’m not enuf.
and it’s not even that i think i’m not GOOD enuf.
i simply think i’m not enuf….in anything.
that nothing i ever do is enuf.
just like the song Never Enough in the Greatest Showman (ANOTHER GREAT movie btw and YES i cried the first time and still the THIRD time i saw it!) and while the song is about achieving all your dreams but that it doesn’t matter if it’s without the love of your life by your side, it was powerful to me because of that feeling i have had that not only was i not enuf, but that i just had to keep chasing the next best thing…and that i could to do it all on my own….and that i didn’t see all that i had right in front of me….and that i needed something i didn’t already have to be truly happy….
ya know what i found?
i am in fact enuf. (as are you btw!)
one of my life coaches said it best when he said that if we don’t think we’re enuf and we don’t think we’re worthy of the dreams that we have, we sure as hell won’t put in the hard work to make them happen! #micdrop right?! read that again! if you don’t think you deserve success, if you don’t think you have anything to offer someone else, if you don’t think you’re worthy, and if you don’t have the right values, chances are you also don’t think putting in the time it will take to get there matters or is worth it because you’ve already convinced yourself you’ll never have it in the end anyway.
y’all, I didn’t think i was enuf OR worthy….and to be honest, my values were not right with God. once I found all that, I realized that not only can i NOT do this on my own, i don’t even want to try anymore! i need God, i need my hubby, my daughter, my family, my friends, and my fit community! and it’s gonna take more work to really FEEL that way all.of.the.time but i do know that i am now (again, we all are! as long as you’re a decent human being anyway lol). i didn’t need to make my life harder trying to be perfect and being all the things and to keep chasing some illusive thing or sense of being to know that i am in fact enuf……….because i already have everything i need above and around and inside of me.
anyhoo, so much for the short version but if you’ve been here before maybe you knew better lol! i’m back! i’m still regaining my health! and 2019 is going to be the best.year.yet. because i’m going to make it so!
