wellll, DANG y’all!

it’s been a minute since i last blogged!

i’ve maybe used this line before but i’ve been busy napping & eating & stuff like that 😉 i’m good at multi-tasking (seriously, this is NOT something anyone should strive to be good at it…it’s not good for our brains y’all! so stop it! #psa) BUT it’s hard to blog when you’re sleeping. (i’m kinda kidding ‘cuz i don’t get as much sleep as i should! if you get 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night and you have at least one kiddo and one housepet, friend i wanna chat with you and find out how. even my hubby said the other morning, “Geez, every night is a shit show.” ha. #ittotallyis. between the 2 of us being light sleepers and both with snoring problems, a 7yo who rarely sleeps thru the night AND a puppy who would rather chew our ears and lay on our heads than sleep……well #shitshow. p.s. have y’all seen our 7yo (almost 8yo) & puppy tho?? i mean they’re really cute so who could be mad about it.)

 

ok, i’m back.

so, i thought i would share a part of where i’m at in my weight loss journey! last July, I recommitted to a new old goal i had of competing in a fitness competition in a BIKINI! eeeeek. yes.

i was seriously inspired by a couple coaches on my team who absolutely ROCKED something called the Beachbody Classic at our annual coach conference. i’ve wanted to compete it in for a few years now and while it’s not a typical competition in that it’s free to enter and a lot of people simply join because of their transformations and it’s not required to have a bikini-competitor physique, it’s still a BIG FREAKING deal!

here are the rockstars who inspired me to set the goal again! meet my friends Stacy & Kyra! i mean HOTTIES, right?!?! (they are beautiful on the inside, too, btw!)

but something happened in December and while my weight was going down (yay me!)….ha, yep, even during the holidays….i was starting to lose a little of my drive and fire to compete.

so for the past two months, i’ve been praying a lot about it and trying to figure out if i was losing interest in it because of FEAR or something else.

and, what did i discover you ask? well, even if you didn’t ask, i’m gonna have to tell ya anyway. 😉

truth is……heck yes i am freaking scared!! i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t.

but, i’m not as afraid of the dang bikini (i mean, i’ve shared pics of me in that thing countless times for the world to see).

i AM afraid of that stage (this introvert does NOT like being the center of attention….even for a minute). i AM afraid of posing (ha it just feels like it’s SO not me!!). i AM afraid of walking in heels lol (seriously, i look like a duck walking or like a really drunk girl). i AM afraid of what i’m gonna miss out on of the rest of my Summit experience if i do this (i’ve always had a problem with #fomo!!!! i would have to sacrifice a lot of time with my team and a lot of the other events and activities if i do this). i AM afraid that i’m just NOW coming into my own with my nutrition and that there just isn’t enuf time (now, again, The Classic is for anyone! Anyone proud of their transformation!). i AM afraid of the financial cost and the stress of needing to feel like i need to be perfect in my methods right now. AND, i AM afraid of becoming obsessed about food and the scale again. i’ve fought really hard to let go of both and the past month i’ve been borderline obsessive….maybe even past borderline if i wanna get really honest with myself. (I started this post about a month ago lol and am JUST finishing it now….so I’m coming back out of the obsessiveness somewhat but still struggling tbh.)

BUT, even given all that, i feel like my heart is telling me this just isn’t a big picture “bucket list” thing to me anymore.

i feel like God has been trying to tell me there’s something BIGGER & BETTER to focus my time, energy and even my finances on….(actually there are a FEW something(s) )

some “things” TRULY worth fighting for….

(and not that competing in a competition like this isn’t worth fighting for!!! i’m not saying that AT ALL ‘cuz it takes a LOT of fight to do something like that!!!)

but maybe something that’s worth more of MY fight right now…

and something that’s a bigger a part of my why and my purpose and what REALLY matters to me.

i don’t think standing on a stage in a bikini is going to fulfill me like what i’m turning my energy and passion towards…..

i decided that i HAVE to focus on my relationship with food again. i come so far in this journey and do really well for a period of time and then i tend to try put myself back in a box of what I should be doing before i know it, i find myself reverting. that’s what happened a month ago and thank goodness i can recognize it for what it is now. before, i could have easily gotten lost in it for months….a year even….i’ll be sharing more about what i’m doing right now in a separate post 🙂

so, i started going back to therapy twice a month and we’re specifically focusing on my relationship with food this time and using a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). You can read more about it HERE. I first learned about it from one of my fave trainers and mentors, Chalene Johnson (creator of TurboFire & PiYo!). She has used it as a way to heal and help her brain work thru places where it’s stuck. It’s really fascinating to me. We could end up somewhere really far away from FOOD thru this process. And, I’ve always said that it’s probably never been about FOOD….it’s about something else that’s happened over the course of my life and I’m super excited to unlock it once and for all so that I don’t have to REVERT ever again.

AND, on another exciting note, there is another thing i’ve started to work for and focus my time and energy on!…..

my hubby & i haven’t had the easiest of roads.

in fact, many couples would not would not have survived what we’ve been thru.

but, we’re still here.

we’re still fighting.

i’ll be sharing a lot more of our story on here and in my book when it finally gets written (of course with his grace to do so) because i think a lot of the resources and people who’ve helped us thru could help your relationship, too, if it’s in trouble….

okay, so, about a month ago (ha, like 2 months ago, now!!), i was laying in bed surfing Pinterest and i saw the words “vow renewal” and i lost my breath for a beat.

next year will be our 15th anniversary.

and we were together for like 9 years before that….so you can do the math lol….no really you ‘cuz i suck at math. 😉

it just really hit me that after all we’ve been thru, a VOW RENEWAL would be a HUGE CELEBRATION of it all! and something amazing for B, too!

so, of course i immediately started looking for a wedding dress and a new ring.

hey, don’t judge me. i never said i wasn’t a little superficial.

but as i was playing this EPIC event out in my mind lol, i started envisioning where i wanna do this and how much it will cost and yadda yadda. (mind you, he knew nothing about this yet lol ~ oh, yeah, honey btw….i’m planning another wedding)

so financially, i could do both. i could compete in the competition and STILL be able to do this vow renewal thing lol.

but i saw a video on YouTube by another coach who competed and she was running down JUST the cost of everything….and even tho there is no entry fee since it’s just for coaches, by the time you get a bikini wax and a fake tan and a suit and your hair done and jewelry and shoes and nails and on and on, she’s spent between $500 and $1000….not to mention the time commitment leading up to it and once you’re there.

one thing you should know about me if you haven’t already figured it out is i get like SUPER excited about things sometimes without thinking them alllllll the way thru. when i committed to this, i wasn’t thinking about the cost. and, while I could absolutely cut a lot of those things out, if i did this thing, i wouldn’t half-ass it. i’d put my whole ass into it lol. that’s just how i roll.

but the thought of spending the money and the time and the energy on it just brings me down more than it excites me now…..

and that money that i woulda spent on the competition can be used for my therapy AND saved until 2019 and used for a super cute but super casual PINK BLUSH wedding dress AND a dress for B ‘cuz seriously she is one of the most important reasons I wanna do this. she will absolutely FREAK out when we tell her about this and that she GETS to be IN THE WEDDING lol….and a venue! Whether we do this on a beach by the ocean or Vegas (seriously, already priced out the Chapel of the Flowers and I could pay for it with less money than i would spend on the competition!) or honestly maybe we’ll even just do it on a cliff overlooking Sakakawea lol.

it really doesn’t matter where….but i just decided that life is short and God and family come first. my competition was important to me….but i realized it really was only important to ME. i’m not sure it would’ve added value to my family in the season that we’re in and in the struggles i continue to fight.  (ha, tbh, not only was it maybe not going to add value to my family, it was already causing stress for all of us and it was only gonna get worse…) like i said, i think i need to be really careful of how i invest my time and how i invest my mind. i think if i continued on with this competition, my on-the-edge-of-obsession would not get better. in fact, i had a really good chat with a gal i met in a Facebook group who also has issues with food and who ALSO trained for a competition. her competition coach told her that he strongly feels women with existing foods issues should not try to compete.

ok, so, here’s the deal. i don’t always follow thru with things. i get caught up in emotion and excitement and since i’m super passionate, it sometimes is to a fault. HOWEVER, i also think that’s just part of life ~ don’t we all set out for things sometimes….maybe even more than once….that just don’t work out? i think THAT’S OKAY! i think it’s OKAY to take chances. i think it’s OKAY to stretch yourself. i think it’s OKAY to shoot for the moon and land somewhere in the stars! i think it’s OKAY when things just don’t work out……because i believe God is always leading us to our BEST YES’s. the miracle could be just around the OTHER corner. the competition just wasn’t a BEST YES for me RIGHT NOW….and maybe not ever given my past. and, again, that’s OKAY. because believe me….i’m gonna keep taking chances! i’m gonna keep shooting for the moon! i’m gonna keep failing forward! i’m gonna keep listening to my heart and to what He’s trying to tell me! and i do want to thank all my clients, coaches and friends who have supported me and kept telling me i could do this thing even when i felt like i couldn’t! yes, it turns out that maybe i “can’t”….but i’m forever grateful for everyone in my corner who said i could!

(on a side note, i’ve talked about this book before but if you’re wondering what i mean by my BEST YES, you can find out by clicking HERE. it’s an amazing book ~ especially for us women who wear so many hats and are people-pleasers by nature. if you have a hard time saying no, if you are overwhelmed with your seemingly never-ending to-do list and with the demands of your life, i highly recommend this book! it may just help you find your peace and your power to say yes to the RIGHT things and NO to the wrong!)

so, there you have it. i’m trading the goal picture on my bathroom mirror of a girl in a bikini to THIS!
and i’m truly at PEACE with my decision….with my BEST YES!

i thought about simply trying to get back into my dress from our wedding day 🙂
but it’s a disaster….i hate to say i never even had it cleaned lol!
and i also want something way more casual, fun and light!
oh, and did i say it’s PINK?!? lol

but while i may not be going to WEAR it for the vow renewal, i have VOWED to get back into it!! (see what i did there?!?)

As you can see from the back view, i have a ways to go! (and this is a gut check because I called myself “fat” on my wedding day….in fact, my self-hate that day ruined a lot of my fun and it’s another reason I want a vow renewal with a me that loves herself and can just enjoy the moments….today I’m FAR from fitting into the dress I wore that day but I don’t consider myself fat! the transformation on the inside my friends!! WAY more important than the outside…) i’ve lost 15″ with the program i’m doing so i’m confident i will get there by next year at this time!!! (I’m also learning not to rush this! ha, patience is a virtue!) Stay tuned about my EMDR and my new WEDDING DRESS journey instead of my bikini journey!

Oh, and btw…..HE SAID YES!
i almost forgot to say that lol.

Hi, I’m Dina and I love allllllll things fashion! I love looking thru clothing mags, PeopleStyle is like my fave all-time mag, I LOVE when they do “Who Wore it Best” comparisons, AND I LOOOOOOOOOVE watching shows like What Not to Wear and Fashion Runway! Oh, AND, I love to find looks on Pinterest and re-create them for myself inexpensively (I totally have not had enuf time lately to do this last one but it’s soooooo fun! Here’s a look I recreated a while back with a pair of Levi’s, striped tank top on sale at JCPenney and a cheapo necklace from Old Navy!)

You’ll find out if you keep reading what inspired this blog post but one of the things I’m gonna poke a little fun at myself about is “Who Wore it Best.”But first, check these out!!!

So, seriously?!?! Who else LOVES these like I do???? Obvi some of these are just for fun but I LOVE the “real” ones where it’s like red carpet events and two or more celebrities have the same dress or outfit on lol! I could look at them for hours….but I digress. I promise I’m going somewhere with this lol.

(Have I mentioned I wanna write a book? Well, I wanna write a book. But, part of the thing that holds me back is that I’m kinda all over the place in my thoughts and my writing style….and I probably put too much together in one blog post…so I often ask myself how could I possibly put a book together and make it flow lol?!? So, just a warning that that’s totally about to happen again today! ha.)

In the past few months, I realized that I was maybe hiding behind this blog. I’ve been very vulnerable and transparent since I started this thing. But, I started to realize (after someone else suggested it was maybe happening lol) that while I was opening myself up on here, I wasn’t always doing the same on my other social media outlets….Facebook & Instagram (@fitstrongpink) specifically. I was defensive in the moment. I thought, dagnabbit, if anything, I almost think I’m TOO transparent and honest on my social media!! But, after taking a step back, I realized they were TOTALLY right.

It’s one thing for me to write whatever I want here. And, to share whatever pics I want to. It’s my blog. My personal space. A lot of people couldn’t and will never even find this “safe” little place of mine lol! And, when I share the link to it on FB, I have no doubt most people just scroll right on by and never click to actually even see what I’m sharing.

So, yes, it’s another thing for me to write and share AND include a pic just like I would in a blog post RIGHT onto social media where everyone (think ex-boyfriends!!!!!!!!!! lol) AND their DOG can easily see it.

But, to keep inline with not playing it safe anymore…..with sharing the REAL me…..in the hopes of continuing to heal through it and in the hopes of inspiring someone else out there to find their fight like I did, lately I started sharing more REAL and RAW things RIGHT on social media.

Like me in a new bikini….earlier tonight.

If you’ve followed me for a while, you know I’ve had a goal of competing in a fitness (aka a BIKINI) competition. I’ve set the goal a few times and the next competition date is in June. I have more to share on that but I’m working on a separate blog post for the rest of the story.

But, it’s scary shit!

It’s never been a goal I set just to HAVE a goal!

I truly like to set goals that scare the shit out of me!

Because I don’t think we grow when we play small.

But, it’s been a rocky competition prep road to say the least lol.

In the past year, I’ve been recovering from a crazy IUD experience (if you’re new here, you can read about it HERE). I’ve been “diagnosed” with a PCOS-like metabolism. I have a new but official diagnosis of IBS-D. And, both PCOS & IBS cause a lot of bloating and potential weight loss resistance. I’ve been prescribed about 10 different medications to help combat both conditions…..all of which have had varying degrees of side effects. AND, I’m a recovering binge-eater and battle emotional eating (EVERY FREAKING EMOTION btw ~ not just when I’m sad or stressed ~ i also celebrate and reward myself with…..you guessed it food) who honestly still fights this EVERY DAMN DAY. And, even though I’m not binging like I have in the past, I still haven’t fully overcome emotional eating. Some days I win. Some days I learn.

And, if you’ve followed me for a while, you likely know I’m a Beachbody Coach! A, currently and for most of my coaching journey, plus-size Beachbody Coach. In these past 4-1/2 years as a coach, I haven’t always been able to embrace that I’m a plus-size coach. But, in the past year of this, I’ve actually found peace with it and realized I have an awesome opportunity JUST as I am and RIGHT where I’m at.

I freaking love being a coach! For so many reasons….at the top is connecting with and helping people achieve their health & fitness goals. And, somewhere in the middle, being rewarded with ah-mazing trips. ‘cuz this girl LOVES to travel….and LOVES the water and the sun even more lol!

Soooooooo, every year, BB offers an incentive of a trip if we help enough people get started on their health & fitness journeys! So far, I was able to take my sister as my free guest to Cancun, Daryn, B & I got to go on a Caribbean cruise (B absolutely LOVED that cruise and can’t wait to go again! It really was the trip of a lifetime for us!) and in April, I get to take my bestie, Lisa, to Riviera Maya!! (My hubby is not really the lay around on a beach or by a pool type and just do nothing…..and that’s EXACTLY my plan….and the timing of this year’s trip isn’t good for him, so he opted out and told me to bring whoever I wanted! I’m just lucky Lisa pretty much loves what I love.)

THIS is where you can find us April 19th thru the 24th lol!!!
I’ve kinda already picked out my lounge chair and I will fight someone for it if I have to..

Ha, probably one of those things that a lot of women dread…..trying on swimsuits….especially in the middle of winter if you live somewhere cold…like ND….where you’re all white and pasty unless you spray or fake tan or tan in tanning beds lol.

Anyhoo, I saw a SUPER cute bikini on a FB pop-up ad and it was only $30, so I ordered it and got it yesterday.

I tried it on right away and absolutely LOVE it!!

And, THEN, I shared the pic on my IG & FB stories (if you’re not following us there, you should totally come watch us do life 🙂 ) and my FB fitness page before I talked myself out of it AND to be sure that I stay in the game (‘cuz in all honesty, I was about to throw in the towel with my current fitness program last week ‘cuz it and life were getting really hard lol. I didn’t QUIT. I did change some things up, tho. #staytuned).

So, yes, I can tell you, it wasn’t an easy thing to do.

I mean, I’m not naive…..I’m 5’7″ and almost 200 lbs. and without something like a DEXA scan to tell me for sure, the last time I checked with suggested methods, I was at like 40% body fat.

So, no, I don’t have the “typical” bikini body.

But, here’s the deal…..

I need to share pics like that for me…..for accountability….’cuz I can tell you that sharing that and then thinking about me going in the opposite direction again isn’t fun and it’s serious motivation to stay in the game.

And, I also think I need to share pics like that for other women!

I want to show other women who maybe struggle that they can learn to love the skin they’re in!

I want to show other women who maybe struggle that their weight does not define them!

I want to show other women who maybe struggle that if they don’t find #selflove at EVERY size, they won’t find it at their smallest size!

I want to show other women who maybe struggle that if they wanna wear a bikini to WEAR A FUCKING BIKINI! And, ROCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT! (Yes, I’m a Jesus girl but I do swear a little.)

So, yes, I shared that pic of me….ALL OF ME….on social media for the whole world to see.

And, ya know what?

I got a lot of support and encouragement and it really made me feel like I got this thing! I really do think there is strength in numbers and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE and am so BLESSED and GRATEFUL for my followers who support me and my journey for the right reasons.

But, I also had a hater stop by on my fitness page.

And comment on my post……”Not very attractive.”

Did I mention I’m not naive and I haven’t lost my mind posting that pic??

I totally get that putting myself out there like this is opening the door to negative comments. And, I totally get that I will lose some of my followers for my openness, for my vulnerability and honestly just because of who I am. I’ve actually lost a lot followers and friends on all platforms since I started being even more real, raw and transparent. And, I’m certainly not going to call-out every hater I ever have lol….

But, you know what? While part of me can’t help but question maybe this is just too much….maybe I better dial it back in….maybe I better NOT wear a bikini anywhere except maybe my whirlpool tub….I went back to one of my fave quotes by Wayne D. Dyer….

I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.

The truth is you will be too much for some people…..but those are not YOUR PEOPLE!

So, maybe I don’t fit society’s view of “attractive” in a bikini. I certainly didn’t meet my hater-lady’s view of it lol. And, maybe no one will vote me “who wore it best” lol (see below!)….AND, maybe linkshe.com isn’t gonna be knocking down my door to model for them…..(I did hesitate to do this ‘cuz I didn’t wanna degrade myself BUT if you don’t know me, I should tell you that I have a seriously DRY sense of humor….I could watch movies like Airplane and Naked Gun over and over….AND I love to make a little fun of myself from time to time…. ‘cuz seriously guys, if we can’t laugh at ourselves, what are we even doing here?) 

But, for the first time in my life, I’m FUCKING proud of my body. I’m loving myself from the inside out. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. And, I’m gonna FUCKING ROCK that bikini in Mexico because…..I CAN! So, you know who wore it best?!?! WE BOTH DID!!!!!!!!!! I mean, she’s hoTT…….obvi. I’m giving her SERIOUS PROPS for wearing it best!!!…..and THEN I’m gonna go right ahead and give the same props for myself.

The days are long but the years are short my friends!!!!!!!!!

WEAR THE FUCKING BIKINI ALREADY!
EAT THE FUCKING CUPCAKE!
QUIT THE JOB YOU DESPISE!
LEAVE THE TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU’RE IN!
STOP SETTLING FOR LESS THAN!
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, START LOVING YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE INSTEAD OF BEING PARALYZED BY WHO YOU’RE NOT.

(p.s. If you love the suit like I do, click HERE or on the image above! They have a TON of cute suits if you don’t like this one!! I’m 195 lbs., 5’8″, a 38DD cup and I have a size large on. I’m guessing an XL would fit right now but I’m determined to make this fit better in the next 57 days before Mexico! I’ve ordered several things from LINKSHE.COM and had good luck so far and their prices are very reasonable! Shipping isn’t super fast so make sure you order long enuf in advance if you really need something by a certain date and to give yourself time to return if it doesn’t fit right! OR do what I often do and order a size up and/or down and send what doesn’t fit back!)

Cheers!

Dina

 

 

 

 

Sometimes i find a REALLY good title to a blog post and i think….hmmmm, that could actually just be enough said.

Buttttttttttttttttttt that’s so not my style.

Soooooo, HEY THERE Y’ALL! It’s been a while! So, settle in ‘cuz we may be here for a while lol.

My new blog is still in development and when working with my developer he said something about needing “creative space” as bloggers and how important it is to FEEL like your site is your home and your energy. I think I had lost that a little bit with this space. But, I finally decided that I need to just write and share here ‘cuz it’s all I have right now! It could honestly be another month or two until that thing is live so…..here I am finally writing!

I’ve honestly only been journaling for the past month or so and I’m excited to be back to blogging! If you didn’t catch my last posts, you can HERE & HERE & HERE.

But be sure to come back to this one and I’m really hoping that I can carve out enough time to at least post a couple times a week again 🙂

Ok, so, back in June of this year, we made a discovery with some health issues I’d been having. You can also read about THAT discovery HERE if you’re new 🙂

I knew the road to regaining my health wasn’t going to be easy.

But, I was SO excited to take control again! I had just spent the better part of 2-1/2 years feeling so out of control with my body and my emotions. I had always struggled with self-confidence and self-love and I’ve always been emotional (I just hid it better when I was younger lol), but this time in my life felt like the hardest it had been since losing my brother….except I had no answers as to why.

There was no tragedy. There were no known illnesses. And, for a long time in there, I’m not even sure I recognized just how bad it all was!

So, while these past 6 months haven’t been easy, it was a road I had to go down and it’s honestly seemed like a piece of cake compared to what had been happening for so long….. AND, as my usual, I’ve learned so so much about myself and life and grown threw it all!

I put my trust back into my doctors. While I do still believe we have to do our due diligence when it comes to our bodies, I knew I was in a place to at least try what they were suggesting.

So, this has meant, going on the Pill to help my body regulate itself and help with the PCOS-like metabolism I found myself with…..to going back off because I tried to take things into my own hands again and wanted to be “hormone free”…..to going back on again lol. Now, this is just my story, but I will say that I really wanted to be hormone free! So, if you are, I’m very happy for you! And, there are times now that I’m back on that I do worry what it’s doing to me. But, I also know how my body feels with & without it and I made the decision to stay on because I feel so much better and more stable on it.

I’ve had more bloodtests and ultimately a colonoscopy to find out what’s going on with my tummy troubles. They were so much better once the Mirena was gone….but they were there before it….most of my life….and they continued to be after it was gone. The good news is, the colonoscopy ruled out anything “structural”….which is great because that means I don’t have colitis or cancer or Chron’s or anything like that. (And, here’s my PSA on colonoscopies….don’t not get one because you’re scared or stubborn. They are a piece of cake compared to feeling like crap or letting something go undetected!! I was terrified of the process for no reason 🙂 )

My official diagnosis is IBS-D (irritable bowel syndrome with diarrhea). Ha, yep, fun stuff. If you’re new, yes, we do talk about poop around here. I’ve thought for a long time this is what I had and several previous doctors were assuming this as well, but there was never an “official” diagnosis until now! Ha, some 30 years later. I was referred to my family dr. And, he wanted to start attacking this by putting me on low-dose Paxil, an anti-depressant. Through this whole thing, I’d been pretty adamant about not wanting to be on antidepressants. Not because I believe they aren’t necessary in certain cases….but again, because of personal choice and in my case. But, he explained that our approach isn’t really a therapeutic dose for depression but it can be beneficial for IBS patients for pain and diarrhea. And, guess what!?! I haven’t had a lot of pain since I started!! I do still have issues on the other side of it but not nearly as often or life-limiting…..but not having the chronic pain and discomfort has been a BLESSING. I’m not eliminating any foods at this point. I’m eating gluten and dairy and having a few drinks here and there. I limit red meat and am focusing on fiber with fruits & veggies. And, while all this might change as I learn more about what’s working and what isn’t and how I can feel my absolute best, I’m doing really well for the first time in a long time!! The scale is going down! My bloating continues to be much improved….as long as I don’t eat fast food or overeat in general. My acne is under control again (yeah, I’m giving the Pill some credit for that and also focusing on clean nutrition). And, I just feel emotionally HEALTHY! I mean, as I’ve said before, I’m always gonna be a certain level of batshit crazy….but at least I feel like I have some control over my emotions and response to life in general now.

Ok, so enough of the boring details about the HOW I’ve been recovering.

And, onto the only YOU decide what breaks you part…..

I’ve talked a lot about my health and my weight and my struggles on this blog.

And, we ALL have our own SHIT, right?!?

Well, all of this just about broke me…..and everything that matters.

I’ve touched on all these things a little before but now that I’m ALMOST on the other side of it all, I can see more clearly just how close I was to losing much of it…..

I was not the wife I wanted to be. In fact, I just about lost my marriage and the tough part of us finding each other is far from over. I’ll be unpacking this part of the story more…and yes, it will be with my hubby’s approval of course…..but, I think this is such an important part of my story to share because……well, because marriage is hard as shit!!! Crazy-ass-wife aside, marriage is freaking hard! It’s not a 50/50 thing. It’s a 100/100 thing! And, Satan is constantly going to be attacking your marriage because that’s the way he breaks apart families. You have to know how to fight! I’m of the belief you have to know how to use God to FIGHT or he WILL outsmart you. He just about did me….and he continues to try on the daily lol but he’s getting far less effective. So, I want to share with y’all some of the things that have been pulling us through the storm. Even if you don’t need them when you read them as the story unfolds, I think often of the saying that everyone is either coming through a storm, in the midst of one or headed into one…..so, maybe you can save it for later 😉

I was not the mom I wanted to be and I’ve been working REALLY hard to let go of the guilt. If you read the post about our not-so-little-journey, you know I already had a lot of mom guilt from when she was born, so this recent season in our lives has been another challenge to overcome. And, our marriage was not a picture of what I want her to see and learn from. But, as with anything as a parent, you do the BEST you can with what you have any given day. I’m giving myself some grace and working hard to make sure I don’t have to feel like that again with her. And, she’s turning out really quite well despite me lol.

I was not the friend I wanted to be and was not there like I wanted to be for the rest of my family. I’ve had friendships that were on the edge of failing but I’ve learned that the ones who really love you will give you some grace and a second (or third lol) chance. And, nothing I ever did….or didn’t do….was to intentionally hurt anyone and again the people who really love you will know that about you. I think just as being a parent, you do the best you can with what you have any given day. And, other friendships I’ve had to let go of. It took a lot of getting real with myself to see what really served me, and while it hasn’t been easy, finding true peace and freedom rarely is.

I was far from the coach I wanted to be. I was scattered and disorganized and not sure how to help people. I would get really excited when I was feeling well and I would show up but I recognize that I lost a lot of trust with my clients because I had a hard time staying in the game FOR THEM. And, I’m working really hard to try to regain that trust and get those relationships back. I’m not sure I deserve it and it may be too late for some, but I want to be there the best I can, I WILL BE BETTER and I’m not going anywhere! I’m in this for life!

I was far from the leader I wanted to be. And, this was a hard one for me to understand, but I was at a John Maxwell conference a few months ago and it was said that you can’t lead others until you’re leading yourself. Wow, truth moment! I hadn’t been leading myself for quite some time. I’m back to leading myself ~ with the help of some freaking ah-mazing people in my life and the Man upstairs. I’m back to working on how to find what my team needs. And, I’m realizing that they don’t need me to be an expert in anything and they don’t need me to be perfect. They just need me to show the F up and support them and provide them accountability and LOVE.

And, I was far from the person and the Christian I wanted to be. I felt really sorry for myself. I didn’t pray for healing as much as I needed to. In fact, I asked God why…why me more times than I care to admit. I said how many times can I get knocked down more times than I care to admit. I found that stupid victim mentality I had fought so hard to give up when I first started coaching and writing.

But, my truth was that only I can decide what breaks me! Only I can decide to let Satan win. Only I can decide to not get back up.

So, I decided that I’m kinda like the comeback kid! I prayed over my health! I prayed for my marriage and for my husband (starting with THIS book btw…definitely recommend!).  I prayed for grace and patience and guidance as a mom. I prayed for grace as a friend and for understanding from the rest of my family. I prayed for the people who have joined me in this crazy, fun, rollercoaster ride as a coach. I prayed over my team and my business. And, I prayed for ME! I prayed not for life to be easy but for me to keep the faith when it’s anything but.

I’m not giving up on any of what matters! The fight is never over! And, if you’re in a similar place where you feel like you’re about to lose it all, take a step back and ask yourself who the real enemy is AND who is making the calls in your life.

An ah-mazing friend shared this with me last week and it’s freaking perfect for what I’m sure so many of you out there have fought or are fighting right now!

“COMEBACK STORY”

Note to Self:
The lonely self,
the broken-hearted self,
the hopeless self,
the worrier self,
the hanging-by-a-thread self,
the not-myself-today self,
the looking-for-a-bright-spot self,
this one’s for you:

You got back up when you could’ve broken down.
You kept shining when you could’ve faded to gray.
You held on when you could’ve let go.
You kept your head above water when you could’ve gone under.
You come back to love when you are completely overwhelmed by life.
You come back to love when you have no clue what you’re doing.
You come back to love when you’re hungry & tired.
You come back to love when you feel worthless and inadequate.
You come back to love when it’s the last thing you want to do.
You come back to love when you feel as though you have no love to give.
You’re a living, breathing COMEBACK STORY.
Let that change your view on this less-than-stellar morning.
Let that change your view on the disarray that surrounds you.
Let that change your view of the puffy eyes and saggy skin you see in the mirror.
Let that change your view of the mistakes of yesterday replaying in your head.
Your lowest point might just be your finest hour.
Because you came back.
You keep coming back.
For love.
For love.
~Only Love Today

HELL TO THE YES, RIGHT?!?! WE did all that! Us comeback kids! And, we get back up and we do it again every dang day!

only YOU can decide what breaks you…..”comebacks aren’t found on a timeline…..they’re found within.”

 

Ok y’all! Thanks for stopping!! And, stay tuned for more of the story, for where I’m at in the bikini competition journey, and for some exciting opportunities coming our way AND check out a few of the pics by Amanda Magnuson Photography that I’m super excited to see on my new site hopefully VERY soon!

live loved,

dina

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey happy FRI-YAY y’all!

So, funny story.

I was getting my hair done last night (ok it’s now been a few weeks ago….ha that’s how long I was working on this post lol!) and I’ve been obsessed with pink hair lately (and my pink hair is already gone….#tears #itwasfunwhileitlasted). Like seriously if you haven’t checked out my Pinterest hair board for CUTE hair….including tons of CUTE PINK hair….you totally should. Here it is if you need it or click on any of my hair crushes below!! PINK

So, when I showed my stylist (who FREAKIN’ ROCKS by the way! If you live in the northwest North Dakota area and are looking for a new stylist, go see Mindy at Evolution Salon in Minot. She is part-owner of the salon and has been doing hair for over 10 years…..and seriously is just amazing at what she does….including taking the time to really listen to what you want! #highlyrecommend ~ She’s the second on the left in the pic below…….has amazing hair herself…..AND you can click on the image to go to their Facebook page!) a few of the pics I’ve saved to my Pinterest board, she was like, “We can totally do some pink!” (Totally may be my word. I use it a lot.)

She’s taken me from this (see below)……..to this (also see below) in a relatively short amount of time. I didn’t hate my dark (DARK) hair. For a long time, I actually really liked it ‘cuz it was super healthy and shiny. But, I’ve been highlighted for most of my life and honestly just kinda missed it. And, really, I just get bored and like to switch things up with my hair! Long to short….light to dark…. 🙂 EXCEPT this last time it got way dark and that wasn’t the plan!!!!…..in fact, it was black. I remember when I got home from that appointment, B had a friend over and they were shocked. They were like “It’s purple!!! No, it’s blue??!!” Um yeah. So, while it was never supposed to be as dark as what happened, I just went with it for a while 🙂 It’s all good. Change is good. But, it does mean we still have a ways to go to get to where I’m going so we don’t stress my hair too much but I feel really FUN right now with the hints of pink (again, pink is gone now lol but it was really fun and I think I’m gonna get pink shampoo for in between colors when it wears out!)!!

  

(What do y’all think?!? Camera 1 or camera 2??….camera 2 being lighter and pinker lol 🙂 )

Ha, ok, we’re back to the funny part of the story.

So, as she was foiling my hair, I was looking at more of the pics I had saved…..and thinking between putting pink in my hair and being in competition prep for a BIKINI contest…..at the spry age of 42…..does it kinda look like I’m going thru a midlife crisis??….especially given the fact I’ve been talking to y’all about feeling like a crazy person for the past 2 years lol.

Well, JUST IN CASE you start to wonder, I’m totally NOT going thru a midlife crisis.

I’m simply REINVENTING myself.

After not feeling good for so long and honestly wondering many/most days if I was losing it, it just feels good to……FEEL GOOD.

Yes, I still have my tummy troubles…..but that’s been a life-long thing. They were just way worse for whatever reason when I had the Mirena in and I’m working with specialists to pinpoint something once-and-for-all.

But, emotionally, I’m doing amazingly (thank God) better than I was a few short months ago! And, physically, I feel better each week and I feel like I’m getting my body back little by little with each passing day. Not to mention the fact I’m focusing really hard on my fitness and nutrition right now. I KNOW that’s a HUGE key to this recovery puzzle!

Which leads me to where I’m at in my competition prep!…..again, not in a midlife crisis lol.

But, I was just on a team call last night with a quest speaker who’s in our newest test group for an Autumn Calabrese workout coming out in January. This chic has been a coach for eight years and was talking about how she STILL loves having something to push her…..she feels like she needs to be constantly challenged and push the limits with her journey. And, she just competed in a pageant!

I thought to myself, that’s exactly how I feel!

I’m not going through a midlife crisis!

I just love having something to push for….something to challenge me….something to keep me excited (insert pink hair).

I’ve said before that it’s not about the competition or the stage or the bikini….although I’m super excited for all….it’s about finding ways to challenge and push myself….not settling for status quo….not giving myself time to get lazy. And, while I don’t believe we ALWAYS need something to look forward to or be pushing for in order to stay true to our health & fitness, I do believe doing things that scare you and that make you push through your barriers is super important!

So, that’s just what I’m doing!

I won’t say this experience hasn’t been without pain already lol. It’s already been freaking hard. And, I’ve changed the course a few times in my approach ‘cuz things just didn’t feel right and some old injuries were resurfacing. And, as in the other blog post I’m sharing, I still wanna eat everything in sight sometimes….but I don’t.

I just keep pushing. I just keep sweating. I just keep sharing.

There are 93 days until the New Year and 264 until the competition. Eeeeeek. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t already feeling the pressure!!!!!! And, that’s part of this struggle and pushing my limits that I have to be careful with. I can easily start obsessing about things….about every bite of food (especially given my history), about which workout is best, about how high my body fat % is, about how someone ELSE trained, and on and on.

But the reality is, this is my fight and my ride. I refuse to go the other way in terms of food; ANY workout I do will be effective as long as I DO IT, I enjoy it AND mostly importantly, follow the meal plan as designed; my body fat is way higher than it should be with less than a year to go but again this isn’t about me competing nationally or me winning the thing….this is about me doing something hard and getting in the best shape of my life; and how someone ELSE did this doesn’t matter. Yes, I can learn from them, take their encouragement and ideas and then make it my own.

I’m maybe not where I want to be or should be at this point in the game, but I’m OKAY with that.

I’m just gonna keep pushing. I’m just gonna keep sweating. I’m just gonna keep sharing.

(Oh, and I have some cool groups coming out if you wanna push with me to end 2017 strong!! And, I’m going to be sharing my exact plan and goals as they stand!! Stay tuned!!)

One day, one meal, one workout, one meltdown (just kidding….kinda) at a time.

And, I’ll leave y’all with this! She is freaking hilarious! I especially loved the part where she’s talking about the crossfitters sharing their WODs (workoutoftheday) and she says, “That’s good information to have.” hahahaha!!

 

Live loved,
Dina

 

 

 

I remember the morning my brother died like it was yesterday.

It was 18 years ago…..but, the thing about tremendous grief is that it doesn’t go away…..it just changes.

I was at work in a clinic that day in August 1999, and I remember my aunt walking through the door to our business office with a look of shear panic on her face and my heart immediately sank. I knew what she was about to tell me was bad….but in that moment, I had no idea just how tragic the news would be.

She took me into my boss’s office and told me that Kjell was gone…..that he’d taken his own life.

I remember my legs giving out underneath me and my body going limp.

I remember falling to the floor.

I remember uncontrollable screaming, sobbing, shaking and not being able to breathe.

And, then…..I remember nothing.

I don’t remember leaving work.

I don’t remember what I did the rest of the day or the days to follow.

I don’t remember who I talked to or if I slept or if I ate.

It was as if the lights went out in my world.

The next several months have always been a blur except that I remember having panic attacks and nightmares and when I was alone I would start crying and not be able to stop.

It’s always hard when someone in your life dies. And, when someone in your life chooses dying over living, it’s unthinkable. For the longest time I couldn’t let go of the thought of how much pain he must’ve been in on the inside. You do the usual why God why but you also do the why Kjell why AND I did the why DINA why? What didn’t I see? Why didn’t I recognize the signs? Why didn’t I take more time to listen and talk to him?? What did we talk about the last time we talked?? When was the last time I told him I loved him? I had this tremendous guilt that I couldn’t let go of….and still hold some of to this day.

He was an amazing person. He was quiet and kind. He loved giving. He was smart and witty. He never even seemed to get that mad at things. There’s not a bad thing anyone who knew him could say….

And, then in an instant, he was gone.

It was a day that forever changed our family.

It was a day that forever changed me.

Aside from working through the panic, the nightmares, and the fear of being by myself, I eventually started eating for comfort and for escape. I’ve blogged about him before but it’s been more recently that I uncovered more about what happened in those years after he was gone. You can read it here 🙂

I’ve had to dig really deep to find it but it’s been a part of my “homework” recently ~ to get the bottom of where things started to go so wrong ~ this was the time in my life when emotional eating, food addiction, yo-yo dieting and my weight escalated.

Yes, I had had a pretty unhealthy relationship with food growing up. For sure. And, it’s no secret….I’ve blogged and shared about it many times before.

If you’re new here, I hid food when I was younger….but it was a bit more of a game back then than later in life. Ha, even my Gma Olson hid food for me. My dad was SUPER healthy and SUPER strict about what I ate when I was with him. He was vegetarian and had a no sugar, no pop and no junk food rule (ha, as a kid, it felt more like a you can’t have ANY fun rule lol). So, my gma would feel pretty bad for me and hide and sneak me candy….and other junk food….behind his back lol. She would tell me where the “stashes of goods” were, she would stock me up when I was going back to mom’s, and she loved to cook and loved to bake so she fed us all very, very well when I was there..but not always healthy ~ the more margarine and Crisco and real whipped cream and butter syrup the better lol. So, of course when I was elsewhere and back to eating boring food, I felt a little deprived and couldn’t wait for the next time I would be back at my grandparents’ farm. And, we didn’t have a lot of money when I was with my mom, so my step-dad’s snacks for his work lunches were totally off-limits to us kids….so OF COURSE I would wake up in the middle of the night and eat them out of loneliness and spite lol. I was such a rebel ya know 😉

AND, I totally compared myself to my friends in high school but I was never really overweight. I thought I was fat….(I don’t use that word anymore but I told myself that I was back then)…now that I know better, I wasn’t. I just had a really distorted image of myself (and I didn’t know it at the time but that would get way worse before it got better).

Until college that is! I WAS overweight in college. I gained the freshman 15….and then some. I think I gained the freshman 20 or 25 tbh. I loved the cafeteria food. I loved to party. I loved beer and sunflower seeds at softball (no, I didn’t play….just a spectator) lol. I loved late night pizza. And, I did VERY little in the form of exercise. I played city league bball but I played at the bar a lot harder after every game 😉 But, I don’t really remember binge eating or eating with abandon during those college years. It was more of that typical, I’M FREE to do whatever the heck I want type of lifestyle….and, yes, it did take its toll on me.

After college life, I lost the weight, without a lot of work or stress about it and got back down to the 130s. I didn’t go on a “diet.” I did start going to WeightWatchers meetings but I honestly never faithfully followed any of their systems. I loosely counted Pts or ate “power foods” some of the time, but the part I loved the most and got the most out of was the accountability of it (another thing I’ve found with coaching!).

But, then, my darkness began.

A few short months after Kjell’s death, my now hubby, Daryn, & I moved in together.

Moving in together wouldn’t be the best decision we ever made and looking back I wish I had been stronger to know it wasn’t right for us. However, my panic attacks started to go away. The nightmares still came but weren’t as debilitating and I could actually go back to sleep after them. And, I could BE by myself from time to time ‘cuz I knew I wasn’t going to be ALONE alone.

But, that’s when my closet eating started and when my addictions started forming.

My grief and guilt just took on a different appearance.

I often ate alone.

I hid food.

I pretended I hadn’t eaten when I had.

I was very weak and destroyed but I didn’t want Daryn to see just how weak and destroyed I really was.

I convinced myself Kjell was gone because of something I did….or didn’t do.

And, I escaped.

Only it wasn’t an escape at all.

The fear of losing someone else close to me had begun to completely consume me.

And, the more I beat myself up for him dying, the more I began to hate myself and self destruct.

I think I gained about 40 lbs. in the next two years after he was gone and us moving in together. So, obviously, it wasn’t because of the typical “I’m super happy and comfortable in my relationship” kind of weight gain lol.

It honestly wouldn’t be until I found coaching like 14 years later that I would begin to fully realize that while I FELT destroyed by something beyond my control (yet that I thought I was somehow responsible for), I was literally destroying myself all on my own.

I spent 14 YEARS destroying myself….from the inside out.

Thank God for Daryn, some really good friends and my sister during that time or I’m not sure where I would be right now. Even though I had my walls up, there would be glimpses and times I would let them in.

But, for the past 4 years I’ve been trying to rebuild myself….from the inside out….and instead of just letting people break down the walls SOMETIMES, I’ve been working hard to tear down my walls all together.

I’ve still made a lot of mistakes in these past 4 years.

I’ve had a lot of things beyond my control happen and derail me.

And, I’ve had a lot of things completely within my control that have derailed me and all but destroyed me once again.

But, I’m slowly finding my way.

I finally realized that I was still trying to do too much of this on my own. My faith had been lost. I just couldn’t believe a loving God could let this happen. I didn’t know how to pray…I didn’t want to try to learn how to pray.

So, what have I discovered in these four years? How am overcoming and getting stronger every day?

It was totally a God thing that I found coaching. I say it all the time, but I’m not sure where I would be had I not found it….and everything and everyone that’s come into my life because of it.

I found my coach, God bless her. I found so many amazing friends who are like family to me now, God bless them. (In fact, one of those amazing friends sent this to me this blog post this week and I feel like the blogger was talking about me! minus the parts about feeling a little too perfect and superior 😉 And, another friend, who I’ll be sharing more about below, said something that opened up my world) I’ve been to conferences that have completely changed my outlook on my struggles and life in general. I’ve listened to countless stories from other coaches about what they’ve been through but found their way. It really is true that you have no idea what someone else is going through, and it puts your own life and sadness into perspective. I’ve been on amazing trips that have filled my soul. I found an ah-mazing life coach who has taken a spiritual approach to our work together to help me trust God and lean on Him vs. trying to take all this into my own hands, God bless her. I found a healthy, sustainable approach to health & fitness (and let’s just say I’ve tried so many things and quick fixes and completely unhealthy things it’s not even funny). And, ultimately and most importantly, I found my faith in God again.

And, while it may feel like it’s “taking too long” (one of my nephew’s & B’s favorite things to say a few years ago lol), I’m not sure it’s fair to expect that WE (yes, remember when I said I can’t do this alone?….I’m not doing this alone 🙂 ) can “undo” in 4 years what it took me 14 to do to myself. But, even then, I feel stronger than I ever have.

I’ve talked about this recently but something had STILL been holding me back. As much as I wanted to be and as often as I would think I was so so close, I’m still not 100% in the game for my clients and my team and honestly myself.

My truth is that I still struggle with wanting to turn to food for comfort. Even after everything I’ve found to help me, I still think about it more often that I care to admit. I don’t give in to every urge and thought by any means and I’m not binge or closet eating OR eating with abandon.

But while I may not be DOING the things that all but destroyed me years ago, I still WANT TO! I still have moments where I’m on the ledge……when I’m stressed or sad or my anxiety is through the roof….and where I’m so close to eating half a pkg of Oreos, a party pizza, a bag of popcorn drowned in real butter and chasing it down with an entire bottle of wine….or 2. So, I’ve been asking myself yet again….who am I to be trying to help anyone else with their nutrition if I’m still fighting the same demons…..the same internal feelings and battles that I was in those 14 years?

Am I a fraud? Am I a hypocrite?

Well, this week I realized I’ve still been asking the wrong questions.

Enter in yet another reason God led me to where I am right now…..

We were on a team call earlier this week with my coach, Val, and another coach on our team, Amy. Now remember that had I not taken a leap of faith and started coaching with Val, she would never have been the one to sometimes talk me off said ledge. AND, I would never have met Amy.  So, towards the end of that call and after a ton of wonderful ideas and insight from Val on something that’s gonna help SO many people with their nutrition, Amy said something that hit me hard.

She started talking about her struggles with her own food addiction.

Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard Amy talk about this. And, I’ve connected with her on many levels for the similarities in our journeys. But, what she was about to say would change things for me. She said that she has realized through coaching that she will always struggle with food. It will always be something she’s overcoming because she’s in RECOVERY. She will ALWAYS be in recovery from her addiction.

This is Amy! She’s went from a size 16 to a size 6 in a little over a year. She’s overcame! But, the hard days still come….she’s just taken quitting off the table 🙂 (Much like I have!)

These were her exact words just today!

“NSV Celebration! 😀
Exactly 400 days ago I recommitted to my journey (due to a health scare) to get my health and fitness back on track!

Today I’m rocking a size 6 Jean!

It was like a cloud lifted.

Food is my drug of choice.

I’m an addict in recovery.

I honestly hadn’t really looked at it like that.

And, there would come a day where my emotional eating had literally started to eat me alive.

It may sound dramatic and some of you may be thinking….ummmm whatever Dina…it’s JUST FOOD. Food addiction isn’t a thing. But, that’s just it, maybe you don’t struggle with food….I hope you don’t!!!!…..Maybe the idea of food being like a drug is foreign to you but I challenge you to be open-minded because it is real….people do talk about it….and some are suffering without even knowing they are in the same boat.

Addiction can come in so many forms….the obvious ones being drugs and alcohol. (Someone very close to me is addicted to alcohol, so you better believe I know the pain of someone else’s addiction and I would never take calling something an addiction lightly.) But, be it gambling or spending or pornography or FOOD, they, too, can be extremely destructive to the addict…AND to those around them. (I’ve also had a shopping/spending addiction and I’ve often felt myself not in a good place with alcohol. So, yes, my addictive tendencies run strong and I’ll be unpacking more about that soon as well. This is probably enough for one post lol.) I’m of the belief that any external thing you turn to to escape the pain in your life can become an addiction and it can consume to the point you don’t even recognize yourself and cause pain to those you love.

And, when it comes to food….well, the really SUCKY (is that a word?!?) part about being addicted to food is that you……STILL NEED FOOD. You HAVE to eat to live. You can’t just stop eating food cold turkey and “kick the habit!!” You still have to eat. And, while I can only imagine the strength it takes to beat a drug or alcohol addiction, it would appear the strength to beat a food addiction is pretty dang hard, too. Food is ALWAYS there tempting us and unlike the other things many people struggle with, you still have to have it and you can’t just stop eating.

So, this is why I’m sharing all this today and it’s yet another way I’m healing.

This blog has brought healing and comfort. I honestly never expected it to but it has. It’s still hard to share a post like this. I don’t want to be judged. It’s hard to show my weaknesses. And, I the last thing I want is for anyone to feel sorry for me.

I simply want to bring my pain, my addiction, my internal battles to the light….so they have less power over me yet again. And, maybe to give someone else hope that they can find help, hope and peace just like I’m finding help, hope and peace.

As my life coach, Debbie says ~ The devil wants us to keep things hidden. He wants us to stay stuck and lie about it and be on a path of destruction. He doesn’t want us to seek God. He doesn’t want us to find comfort. He wants us to stay weak. So, if you get nothing else out of this, if you’re consumed by something, if something is causing you pain, confide in someone….even if it’s just confiding in one person….find a way to bring it to the light. I promise you you will start the healing process.

I’m gonna be sharing more in the next several weeks about more specifics on just how much coaching has helped me….specific tools, resources, PEOPLE who have helped me….and if you’re especially struggling and need professional help, I would be happy to share recommendations and even names of people in the area and online that can help. Just a little tangent…but I SO wish there wasn’t a stigma surrounding talking to a therapist. Talking to a professional or a pastor isn’t a sign of a weakness, it’s a sign of strength!! And, talking to someone who’s safe and completely impartial to your situation can change so much.

I’m gonna leave you with a song that’s speaking to my heart right now and some final words about overcoming…

I finally realized that punishing myself wasn’t gonna bring Kjell back. He wouldn’t want to see me in the pain I was causing myself. And, as much as I chased the WHY of what had happened, eating and self-destructing was never going to help me find it. And, while I thought the walls I built up around me were to protect me and not let anyone hurt me, the walls were really suffocating me. And, though I’m not perfect….and I still find myself on that ledge….I still have help to offer. I can still help someone else. And, maybe, just maybe, it better equips me to help someone….because I know first-hand what it’s like to work through it all….

Crowder – Come As You Are
Lyrics

From the album Neon Steeple

Come out of sadness from wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner, come kneel

Earth has no sorrow
That Heaven can’t heal

So, lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer, come home
You’re not too far
So, lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless
And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary
Rest that endures

Earth has no sorrow
That Heaven can’t cure

Come as you are
Fall in His arms
Come as you are

There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner, be still

Earth has no sorrow
That Heaven can’t heal

Live loved,
Dina

btw ~ i’m like really obsessed with using filters sometimes….especially when i find one that hides the 2 scars i have between my eyes AND my creases lol #keepinitreal 😉

Hey y’all!

Just hanging out watching some football and blogging! The other 2 yayhoo’s are asleep! And, I’m realizing that Thursday nights and Friday mornings are my fave time to blog 🙂 But, I should probably not try to multi-task and watch football ‘cuz it’s taking me forever to write….I’m especially excited for the NFL this season. I always love football….especially my Broncos (and I will tolerate the Vikings but dang do they disappoint a person….just ask my hubby)…..but this year is my first year in Fantasy Football and my team is rated 2nd on our report cards 🙂 My kicker was the only player I had playing last night but he got me 9 pts!! AND, I was #7 in the draft and picked up Aaron Rodgers, so here’s to hoping he has a good season!!….which is basically saying I hope the PACKERS have a good season….and, well, meh. Ha, sorry Bothe’s if anyone is reading this 😉 That’s the interesting thing about Fantasy football. Sometimes you gotta cheer for players and teams you wouldn’t typically cheer for 😉

Anyhoo, ONTO TOUGH LOVE and inspiration and some serious PROPS…..

I wanted to share a little story about the 1278459 reason I love having my very own personal free coach…

Her name is Val and I’ve never had to pay her a penny for her love and support! (AND, I will say I’ve paid other “macro” coaches and different types of “expert” coaches hundreds of dollars for FAR FAR less than what she’s given me!!!!!!!)

According to Webster’s, the definition of a coach is:

a :  a private tutor hired a coach to help her daughter prepare for the test b :  one who instructs or trains an acting coach a birth coach; especially :  one who instructs players in the fundamentals of a sport and directs team strategy….and went on to give these examples: a football coach, a pitching coach, a gymnastics coach…

I’d love to add a life COACH & health & wellness COACH to this list of examples!

In my mind, a coach is simply a person who helps you get to your goals….whatever they may be! Growing up, my basketball coaches helped me get better at basketball and taught me the value of teamwork. Both goals I had…..or didn’t know I had lol! And, I can tell you that not all of the coaches I had growing up were EXPERTS or honestly even had prior experience at what they were doing!! But, they were passionate (MOST of them lol) and (MOST of them lol) just loved and supported us the best they knew how.

To me, that’s the best definition of a true coach: one who is passionate about helping others achieve their goals.

And, to me, and to the entire Beachbody company as a matter of fact, it doesn’t require anyone to be an expert in fitness & nutrition or hold any certain types of degrees or certifications. Heck, our trainers and our programs do ALL of that FOR us! Beachbody was way ahead of the game and they do that FOR us and continue to find cutting edge methods to get people lasting and amazing results if they put in the work! As a TBB coach, we simply just have to love our clients and our coaches hard and support them the best we know how on the way to their goals. We don’t have to be personal trainers or registered dietitians or hell even be uniquely passionate about fitness & nutrition (although I am!!)! We just have to know how to extend a hand to someone else….just like our coach did for us.

That’s what Val has done for me.

She, to this day, helps guide me in the best approach to my goals (which honestly is most of the time just simply not to give up and it’s not even just about my health & fitness goals….EVEN MY LIFE GOALS!). She talks me off the ledge. She’s the first person to tell me I can do something when I’m stuck or trying to tell her that I just can’t. She cuts through the bullshit of my responses and excuses and tells me like it is. Soooo, YES, she’s been by my side for almost 4 years now. When I joined her team, she helped me choose a program called TurboFire! And, when I told her I had already tried Shakeology and I pretty much HATED it, she told me that without a doubt it would help me be healthier and get to my goals faster and then helped me pick a new flavor and find recipes that I still use and absolutely love to this day. It was a random weekend in October of 2013 and my life would be forever changed.

She’s been there through my IUD craziness and the highs and LOWS that came with it ~ my all-over-the-place emotional battles with health, food, my job, coaching, being a mom and even my marriage.

She’s not a personal trainer or a nutritionist or a dietician and wouldn’t be able to calculate my macros for me or tell me exactly what to do physically to get to that stage next year.

But, all that she is far outweighs all of those things. And, I’m speaking from personal experience here ‘cuz I’ve had all the above! And, while I absolutely learned from those people in my life and I don’t think I would change any of that, only one of them was still with me after I walked out the door….not one of them ever messaged or texted me JUST to see how my day was going…..and while a few of them did say things to me like “You deserve success, now let yourself have it,” most were gone from my life after I stopped paying them for their services (with the exception of my girl Poppy! if you’re interested in following flexible dieting and need help with what macros you should eat, SHE is your girl and she has an amazing FB group for support!) and I didn’t get near the support and time as I have from Val. I get that’s pretty much how the world works so believe me when I say I’m not bashing any of them ~ it’s simply how so many things in the fitness & nutrition-world are designed! However, writing this blog post has totally reaffirmed how amazing an opportunity this is….both AS a client and as a coach if you go that route!! And, I know it’s gonna be her tough love and her support and encouragement that helps get me to the stage….and honestly that’s what I really need. (Ha, because AGAIN, I have all the workouts and nutrition plans at my fingertips for the logistical side of this….it’s the inside that pushes the rest!)

So, this week when I was fighting a tummy flareup and definitely not feeling well or on top of my game, I reached out and told her that I thought I maybe just needed to switch programs…..go back to the basics and focus on my nutrition with either Country Heat or the 21 Day Fix. My right wrist has been bothering the heck out of me and some of the moves in my new program I have to not only modify but some I’ve just been having a hard time doing at all. But, she challenged me. I’ll admit when I’m not feeling well, I start to doubt my abilities and I start looking for an easier way 😉 Well, she wasn’t gonna let me out with an easier way. She pushed me that I need to finish this thing! Even if I have to modify. Even if it hasn’t looked perfect yet again this round…..that even though I’d be doing something else, quitting on a program just because of a bump the road would only leave me feeling a little defeated. And, when I asked her what she thought would be the most effective program for me right now….this is what she said…”I think it will be more effective for you to not give up dina! If i was half way through a program and I felt like it was getting harder, i would hope you would tell me I could do it! to remind me that I can do it and that I am strong enough….because you are!”

Well, alright then! Yes, I am strong enuf! It’s just sometimes I have to be reminded of that…and she’s right there to do it.

I told her I wouldn’t give up on these next few weeks! And, even though my next workout sucked ass to be quite honest, I KNEW she pushed and that I’m following through with the right thing. It’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it. And, honestly, I was yet again making it harder than it needed to be. Mostly because I didn’t FEEL good. But also because I’m more COMFORTABLE with Country Heat & the Fix!! Those are two of my fave programs and I’ve done them so much I don’t have to be challenged or pushed. But, I need to get and stay UNCOMFORTABLE during these next 200 and some odd days 😉 Being comfortable isn’t gonna get me to that stage. AND, I seriously do LOVE this program! I have never had so much fun doing intense cardio as with this workout!!!

AND, she just gave me an amazing incentive for after I do this thing!!!!!!!!!! Stay tuned!!

So, THANK YOU for talking me off the ledge yet again Val! Onward and upward!! This was at our first Coach Summit in 2014 in Vegas!! Each year just gets better and better!

AND, not only has this girl been there for me, she’s been there for many others and it shines through in an awesome accomplishment she just made in her business! I just had to give her some serious props because she just hit a cumulative $100,000 in income yesterday since she started coaching 4 years ago! We get paid every Thursday for doing something we absolutely love….and as she would say and so would I….we would do this even if we didn’t get paid! (But, it sure is an amazing blessing for our families that we do!!) Way to go girl! LOVE YA!

 

 

 

For real, I can’t stop watching this vid!!

I’m totally the one on the left!!

HOWEVER, I’m working hard to be the one on the right!!

I’m such a night owl! And, I always have been. But, here & there in the past several years, I’ve went some pretty long stretches getting up at the crack of dawn to get my Miracle Morning and my workout in before I have to go to work! SO, after this summer totally kicked my butt with late night after late night, I’m determined to get back to my early mornings!!

I love mornings!! I love coffee! Heck, sometimes I just wanna go to bed at night so I can wake up and drink coffee lol. I love getting up to have quiet time before my fam! I love my MM lifeSAVERS. AND, yes I LOVE getting my workout done before work! This coming home after 5 and getting it done is really starting to piss me off!

They say the best time to work out is simply….when it works best for your schedule.

My after work workouts are NOT working anymore.

I was starting to absolutely dread them every day.

And, that’s the last thing I want is to dread my workouts!!

So, I’m on a mission to get back to early mornings and to #CRUSHtheRUSH! (Stay tuned for how you an #CRUSHtheRUSH WITH ME!)

Reasons I love to get my workout in at 5 or 6 am:

• Love the feeling of having it done before I go to work!
• More energy throughout the day!
• More likely to stay on track with my nutrition!
• Less likely to skip it all together because something came up!
• More time with my fam in the evenings!

So, yes, there are many reasons for me to knock it out early! And, hardly any to work out later! Ha, except I’m still like that dog on the left!! I wish I was exaggerating y’all but that sh!t is legit. (I swear my eyes don’t fully open for a half hour or so.) But, I did the same workout this morning that I did on Saturday and I burned like 100 less calories 🙁 Yeah, that wasn’t fun to see. I can only improve from here, tho, right?!? I think my body just needs some time to adjust back to this! I’ve gotten some early morning workouts in here and there throughout the summer, but, my goal is every dang day!

How am I getting there?

Well, first off by using something called the 5-Second Rule. I’ve talked a little bit about it and will be talking about it more because….well because it’s the bomb-diggidity!!! It has already changed so much for me! I first listened to the book by Mel Robbins a couple months ago and I’m now on my third time through it. It’s even helping me with my anxiety. I had been really suffering with anxiety and depression the last few years but since my health has been coming back around, the depression and sadness is much improved. I do still find I have a lot of anxiety, however. This 5 Second Rule is totally helping. And, it’s so crazy simple that it’s….well, it’s almost crazy it even works. But, the book is filled with success story after success story. There was one story that hit me especially hard. There was a guy who was very close to committing suicide…..even maybe in the moment of the decision….and the 5-second rule brought him out of it and changed his life forever. And, I’m also focusing back on a list of things from an anxiety & depression course I took last fall that I’m considering retaking soon. It focuses on all “free” and natural ways of improving anxiety and depression. And, I have hopes of becoming a facilitator of the program and bringing it to our more local areas.

Anyhoo, I was about to tell you how I’m using it! I’m using the 5 second rule to break my terrible habit of hitting snooze. It’s to the point where I’m so asleep and so used to doing it that I don’t even consciously know that I am most mornings. I think I’m in what some experts call a “habit loop.” A habit loop is basically where your brain goes on auto-pilot after being cued and it ends in a reward. So, ha, the cue would be my dang alarm ~ my brain goes on auto-pilot ~ and the reward is I get to keep sleeping lol!

There’s also more damaging things about hitting snooze than just missing a sweat session. I’m kinda too lazy right now to explain all of it…..I promise I will in a later post…..but basically, it’s not good for your brain to go back to sleep for short periods of time. An ideal sleep cycle is 60 to 90 minutes, so when you keep interrupting a sleep cycle, it can hurt your memory and function and you will definitely be left feeling more tired than had you just got up the first time it went off! Yes, more to come on all that! I’m a total nerd but I find stuff like this fascinating and just have to share 🙂

Ok, SO, I’ve worked out in the morning 3 days in a row now and I’m not stopping! Yes, I won’t be perfect! But, this is one habit I’m determined to turn into a good one!

If you’re out there wishing you could get into an early morning routine, let me know! I would love an accountability partner to get back into this!! Comment on this thread or email me at fitstrongpink@gmail.com and let’s do this together!

Here was my Fitbit this morning at 6 am compared to Saturday morning around 9 am! Yep, same workout lol.

 

And, my next virtual boot camp is kicking off and I’m accepting people through Wednesday! If you’re needing extra support or more direction on starting a new fitness program or needing a change with your nutrition, I’d love to chat and see if I could help! You can click on the image below to apply! I lost 4.4 lbs and 12 inches in my last group with our newest program! And, I loved the program so much I’m into my second round of it! There’s like 90 days until Thanksgiving! What will you do with them??

Let’s make it a great week everyone!!

 

For most of my life when I decided I wanted to get in better shape and lose weight, I would go the grocery store and grab whatever health & fitness magazine with eye-catching titles and images of amazingly beautiful and svelte women on the covers stuck out to me the most and decide that THIS was the last time I would start something new and THIS would finally be the “DIET” or workout that changed everything.

After all, it worked for the girl on the cover, right?!? 😉

I would get all excited and plan my attack.

What was typically my plan?

Well, I would usually decide that I needed to enjoy “just one last weekend” of partying and eating whatever I wanted and I would change my life starting on Monday.

Yeah, I was that girl.

I always needed to wait until Monday…..the 1st of a new month….after the New Year.

And, always with the mentality that I would enjoy one last hurrah and this was be the last time I started over.

Monday would roll around and by then I was tired and likely still somewhat hungover from the weekend and DEFINITELY feeling the effects of bad nutrition but I was still ready and still excited for a real change.

This excitement and determination would typically last until about Wednesday. Sometimes even until Thursday.

I would think I was doing everything right….for those few short days.

But, looking back, I was doing just about EVERYTHING wrong.

My first mistake was thinking I needed to throw caution to the wind for a weekend of drinking and eating.
My second mistake was approaching Monday as the beginning of….well, really a new beginning of my life…..YET again.
My third mistake was focusing on said DIET or workout.
My fourth mistake was focusing on the scale. I would step on that thing not once, not twice, but typically 3 times a day 🙁 I would weigh myself morning, noon and night praying for a drastic change to keep me motivated and going.
My fifth mistake was giving up at the first sign of resistance.

I probably made more than the 5 aforementioned mistakes lol.

But, hey, I’m only human, right?

I have SO much to be thankful for now.

Over the past 4 years, I learned that while I can absolutely still enjoy some weekend fun, a free-for-all does nothing but leave me feeling weak & defeated & honestly many times kinda physically sick. I now approach having some “treats” as just that. It’s not a CHEAT anymore. (Let’s STOP using the word “cheat” when in terms of nutrition and fitness mmmmmmmkay?!? Webster’s says to cheat is to “act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, especially in a game or examination.” Or, IF “you’re” a cheater, it means “a person who behaves dishonestly in order to gain an advantage.” Seriously, is that what having pizza and a few beers on a Friday night means when you’re trying to lose weight or get in better shape? Um no. Let’s call it was it really is. Just living your life. Let’s take any negative connotation of it and just eat according to our goals in the season we’re in.

Over the past 4 years, I stopped waiting for a Monday….for the beginning of a new month….for the New Year. I finally realized there’s abso-frickin-lutely NOTHING magical about a Monday….the 1st…..or January 1st. You just have to make a freaking decision once and for all that this is a lifestyle change and while you can have as many day 1s and fresh starts as you want, there is no expiration date to what you’re going after. Stop waiting. There will always be an event or holiday or vacation coming up. Just START! It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just START!

Over the past 4 years, I stopped calling what I was doing a new DIET and I realized that EVERY fitness plan on the planet WILL in fact work IF (and ONLY IF) you do the freaking work. Stop calling it a diet. You are mentally telling yourself that this is just a short-term thing I’m doing to get to an arbitrary goal. Again, this is your LIFE. Change your lifestyle, change your life. Again, this doesn’t have to mean you NEVER eat pizza or donuts again. This means everything in moderation. 80/20!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND, don’t get tooooo caught up in the exercise approach! It doesn’t have to crazy hard. You don’t HAVE to hate it. And, everything works! Just as long as you’re MOVING your body. As the saying goes, bodies in motion tend to…..stay in motion 🙂 We were designed to move! Find something you love or at least LIKE and just START!

Over the past 4 years, I worked really hard to break up with the scale. I honestly lived or died by that thing. It would determine my mood for the day. It would send me in a binge way too many times. And, honestly, it wouldn’t matter if it were up or down. Sometimes it would be down several lbs for the week and I would decide that was a license to TREAT YO’SELF. Or it would be up and I was say to myself why the heck am I even doing this…..I might as well go eat whatever the heck I want ‘cuz it doesn’t matter anyway. Such. A. Vicious. Cycle. It was actually self-sabotage at it’s finest. Because no matter if I won the day or the week or lost, I would lose sight of the long-term and revert back to behaviors that got me overweight, sad, depressed & tired in the first place. Now, keep reading because I have more to share on this mistake later. Let’s just say the part about me working really hard on this one means I didn’t completely overcome it. Remember, I’m only human.

And, over the past 4 years, I worked really hard to push through those barriers when they came. I won’t say I was always successful. But, once I did it the first time, and the second time, and the third….I started to realize how AH-FRICKIN-MAZING it felt to not give up! Instead of my typical feelings of defeat and weakness, I had feelings of empowerment and strength! I have first-hand experience that the saying “the miracle is often just on the other side of fear” is TRUE!! If you get nothing else out of this post, remember this ~ Don’t quit just before the miracle. It could be right around the corner waiting for you if you just push through.

Ok, so all that being said….ha, yes, it does take me a while to get to where I’m going!

I spent the last 30 days doing a kick-ass agility program with a super simple, super effective nutrition plan. I made a commitment to compete in a fitness competition and I’m busy planning out the next 300 days of how I’m gonna get there!

So, let’s just say, the thought of achieving a goal that far away and that huge was pretty daunting. I had been moving right along just going with the flow and rocking my workouts and nutrition and then I got a little stuck. I started questioning how I would know I’m on the best path. What was the best workout program I could do right now? How should I eat? Should I follow macros or our trusty containers? How would I know if I was losing body fat or muscle as my weight dropped. And, then add in some family stress to the mix and before I knew it I’d spent the last almost week of my program OBSESSED and kinda stuck. I wasn’t sleeping great. I was feeling overwhelmed and helpless. I did some emotional eating. AND, I started stepping on the dang scale EVERY DAY….even a few times a day.

Ultimately, I lost sight of why I’m really doing all this.

Yes, I’ll be the first to say I wanna rock a bikini! BUT, at the same time it’s not about the bikini!!!! Ha, I know it sounds ridiculous but it makes sense to me lol. The real reason I’m doing this is so that I can look back and say “I did a hard thing!” AND, so that I can be the fittest, healthiest and strongest version of myself that I can be!

But, this doesn’t have to be and look perfect! ANY program I do will work IF I do the dang work!!! The best nutrition approach for me is simply the one I can keep simple. And, that number on the scale isn’t going to be my BEST indicator of my success and progress along the way. Yes, I will be using it and it does have a place. HOWEVER, I refuse to fall back into the trap of it deciding for me how I’m really doing. The very day I recognized what I’d been doing, I stayed off it all day and I took my measurements and new pics instead….and guess what I found! I had lost 4.4 lbs. and 12 inches!!!!!!!! 12 inches?!?! I almost didn’t believe it myself and had to retake some of the measurements lol! BUT, while the scale can lie and doesn’t show you the full story, measurements and pics don’t lie. And, while the pics may not show as drastic of change as the measuring tape, I see a lot of progress and it gave me a lot of positive reinforcement that I’m on the right track!

AND HEY, if you’re curious about the program that I’m using first along my journey, you can check out a sneak peek group on Facebook one of my coaches and I are doing! It’s totally information ~ you’re not committing to anything but just joining this private group 🙂 You can just sit back and learn about why we love it and then decide for yourself! Click HERE to join or click the image below! The results from this program are nothing short of amazing across the board for so so many!!

 

 

So, in order to move on, I gave myself some grace. Old habits die really hard sometimes and that’s OK. You may have to fight and win many battles before you win the war 🙂 When I get stressed and overwhelmed, it’s my autopilot reaction to turn to food for comfort. I have to work really hard at doing something different. (If you want something different, you have to DO something different, right?!?) And, I also have to work really hard on remembering that I can’t control the people in my life and their choices. It can feel helpless but you HAVE to let go of the need to control anyone but yourself. I was stuck for YEARS trying to change and control and help people in my life. It took me getting really humble with myself and working with my life coach to realize that many things are not mine to change, control or help. That’s God’s job. #letgo&letGod The old me honestly would’ve let this derail me for weeks, months, even years. Thank God for the new me.

And, I loved the last few days on my inspiration board!! It was a really good reminder to myself that it’s not for my summer body
….not for my bikini body….but simply for MY BODY. And, both quotes fit perfectly with this blog post!
And, tell me, how do you keep yourself motivated and inspired? If you’ve never tried a vision or inspiration board, you totally should! I’ll be sharing my new one this weekend! I’m doing a new one every 21 to 30 days AND rewarding myself with little things long the way like a HOT STONE massage that I have scheduled for tomorrow morning. AND, although controversial, my next reward is a tattoo on my wrist that I’ve been wanting for like ever!!

 

Bye for now from me & my B!
2nd grade looks good on her 🙂

 

 

 

This is one of my fave all-time quotes.

If you’ve been around here for a while, you know why.

If you’re new here, let’s catch up you a little.

I’m a TeamBeachbody Coach and have been for almost 4 years.

I’m actually currently a “plus-size” TeamBeachbody Coach.

And, in all honesty, in a place in my life I can proudly say that.

However, a year ago, I did not wear that honor well.

In fact, I was such a hot mess I couldn’t see anything for what it was worth in my life. And, I was letting my plus-sized-ness start to paralyze me from what I had set out to do to help myself heal and help support others along the way.

You can read more of the story here and here but my life has been a history of yo-yo dieting and yo-yo weight loss. I’ve tried every “diet” under the sun ~ many many pills, wraps and quick fixes ~ spend thousands on gym memberships and at-home equipment like treadmills, ellipticals….even some “amazing breakthru” ab belt that was supposed to do ALL THE WORK for you once you strapped it on and sat down and get you rock solid abs AND more. #asif

So, when I found coaching, it was like a lifeline.

It was FINALLY something that WORKED!

For less than my cell phone for one month, I invested in my health (and sanity to be honest) to get going with a fitness program and I used a superfood nutritional shake monthly which I never truly had to pay for (part of the awesome rewards we get as coaches) but would’ve PAID way more in a heartbeat for what it did for me. I spent the next year-and-a-half surrounded by awesome and amazing coaches and clients who pushed me and helped me stay accountable and I went on to lose upwards of 40 lbs.

And, then my life took a not-so-litte detour. You can read about it HERE.

But, in the end, it’s not really important what happened or what didn’t happen in the middle of my coaching journey.

What’s important right now is RIGHT NOW.

I said in my last post that I can’t use the excuse of feeling like a crazy person and gaining weight be my story on why I didn’t and why I ultimately can’t succeed now.

I have the same tools, resources and rockstar people surrounding me as I did when I first got started with this…plus a bunch more rockstars who joined along the way.

And, because of that, I can finally say with pride that I’M A FREAKING PLUS-SIZE BEACHBODY COACH. I honestly don’t even really break the mold by being this because honestly coaches come in all shapes and sizes and ages. However, I’ll be straight up that I had a vision in my mind of the example I wanted to be as a coach and I was not living up to that vision.

And, you know what? That’s OK. I may not be the picture perfect vision I had for a while in my head. But, I’m embracing where I’m at RIGHT FREAKING NOW. I’m gonna boldly and proudly say that I have earned this body….because I have!

And, because I love my body, I’m gonna keep pushing and honoring it the best I know how.

AND, because that means being the best, most healthy and strong version of myself I can be…..

I’ve decided to commit to a new OLD goal of mine.

I share this part of my story to be vulernable with y’all and to show you that if I can do this literally ANYONE can do this.

I’m making it a goal to compete in and rock a bikini/fitness competition next June.

NOW, if you’ve been around here for a while, you know I’ve set out to do this before.

You likely know I set out to do this TWICE before.

If you’re new here, I’ll be straight up with y’all I FAILED at this not-so-little goal miserably….twice before.

I don’t like to say I failed at something because in my eyes, as long as I do my best and am out there TRYING, I’m not failing.

But, unfortunately I literally stopped trying the times before. I gave up. I didn’t go after what I wanted after the moment passed.

But, I wanna be the one to tell you to give yourself some freaking grace if you’ve set out on a goal and got lost along the way….even….no ESPECIALLY if you’ve gotten lost more than once

‘cuz you know what?!? It doesn’t matter how many day 1s you’ve had. It doesn’t matter how many times you fallen. It doesn’t matter if no one else in your life supports you or understands it.

If you have it on your heart to do something, you can have as many day 1s as it takes! If you fall 7 times, you can get up 8. And, all you need is YOU and that little voice in your head being your best friend instead of your worst enemy.

We have ONE life to live and I’m of the belief that you can look different, have to fight harder, be the underdog and still somehow still succeed and maybe even get MORE out of it because you had to work harder for it! Who cares if people roll their eyes at your dream! Who cares if your haters make fun of you behind your back! Who cares if you zig-zag and roller coaster your way there….as long as you GET THERE?

I think we have this idea in our heads of what success looks like but have you ever since this??

I’ve been inspired by many amazing women along the way and my most recent #girlcrush and bikini inspiration is miss Kyra. I’m hoping to do an interview soon and share her amazing story with y’all but she was exactly whose story I needed to hear to commit to this yet again!

She shared her heart on a team call a few weeks ago and I’d already been thinking I needed to try this again. It wasn’t easy for her but her heart and passion for doing what she did TOTALLY inspired me. She even talked about how she still had insecurities and battles to fight after losing 80 lbs. It just goes to show that it’s not about the scale! It’s about what’s within, growing from the inside and how a part of us will always have to fight hard to remember who we are!

And, I know it won’t be easy for me. But, I think if I don’t do this, I’m always gonna look back on it as something I wished I would have.

And, gotta also give some love to these two inspirations! They have also played such a huge role in my going after this!! All of these amazing ladies have achieved their results with Beachbody programs AT HOME!!!! Meet Stacy & Kailin! You can click on their pics to go to their pages for more inspiration 🙂 Kailin even pushed play on Insanity and continued on her journey after reading an email from her husband that was deployed that he wanted a divorce. That video is below and I’ve watched it many times whenever I need a little motivation to #pushplay. My heart hurt so bad for her! But, what she did that day is a true testament to the human spirit!

So, there ya have it!!!

I WILL beat her.
I WILL trainer harder.
I WILL eat cleaner.
I know her weaknesses.
I know her strengths.
I’ve lost to her before,
but not this time.
She is going down.
I have the advantage.
Because I know her well…
She is the OLD me.