my brother was 20 years old when we lost him to suicide.
he was a sweet, quiet and kind soul.
he was funny and witty and sensitive.
he loved hard.
he would have given the coat off his back to give someone else warmth.
and at some point along the way in those 20 years, he ended up in so much pain that he decided there was no other way out.
i have no idea how long he had been fighting for his life before that night.
i have made myself sick wondering.
i have also, along with so many in my family, wondered if there were signs and what i missed and what i could have done differently so that he wouldn’t have made the choice to leave us.
so. much. guilt.
and confusion.
and tremendous grief.
even now, 19 years later.
my sister shared a blog post this week that i want to also share with you because it was so powerful. it was published on the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website. so many things stuck out to me in the writer’s words but the most powerful words for those trying to heal after losing someone to suicide is “Neither grief nor acceptance has a deadline.”
gosh, losing a loved one to ANYTHING is a tragedy. and you grieve and if you’re the believing kind, you ask God why, and yes, there is never a deadline for the healing process.
the hard part about trying to navigate life after losing a loved one to suicide is that of course you have to grieve the loss, but you also somehow have to not blame yourself and get through the questions from others and find some sort of acceptance of what happened or you will slowly die on the inside. you will die a little every time you ask yourself what you did to make them leave. you will die a little every time you think about the last time you saw them….but even more….what you DIDN’T see that very last time. you will die a little inside trying to go back to that moment to make it last a little longer….to do whatever you possibly could to change it. you will die a little every time you blame God or anyone else for them being gone.
i grieved.
i blamed myself.
i blamed God.
i blamed others.
and for someone who already had a history of anxiety & depression, it would become a long, hard battle back to me.
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my brother and i were a lot alike.
we were the people pleasers.
we worried about what others thought.
we would spend every penny we had on having fun and giving to others.
we were actually both TERRIBLE with money 😉
we were sensitive souls.
we analyzed everything until we were suffocated by it.
we did things to just “fit in.”
we didn’t forgive easily but we pretended everything was fine.
we questioned things we said or did LONG after the fact.
and what i didn’t know back then was that we both had a lot of hidden pain we had no idea what to do with.
the rate of suicide is at an all-time high. in the short time since i started writing this post, i know of two more people the world has lost.
heart. breaking.
my heart breaks for young kids taking their own lives because of bullying or feeling alone and lost in this big world….and celebrities in the news like Robin Williams, Mindy McReady, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.
suicide does not discriminate. depression does not discriminate.
celebrities are not more important than anyone else. it’s just we hear about them more. people talk about how successful they were and seem mystified as to why wealthy, successful people would make this choice. as if somehow fame, success and money equal happiness and protected them from darkness.
and young children who feel like they have nowhere else to turn?
it’s absolutely heart-breaking that suicide and depression do not discriminate.
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i have felt first-hand the strong-hold of depression.
i have seen people on social media talk about how if you are feeling alone and desperate and at the end of your rope you must reach out….and i have seen others talk about how you need to be more aware of those around you and look for the signs and do and be more for those you think need it.
YES, i do believe all those things….i have maybe even said or thought the same things.
but here’s the deal.
when depression has it’s grips on you…..when you are so far down you can not see any light…..when you feel so badly about yourself that you shut everyone out and end up feeling utterly alone….the last thing you can find is the strength to reach out. if it were different, none of us would be talking about this.
and while i completely agree that we need to be more mindful and watch those around us for signs someone needs help, i think more importantly you just need to treat EVERYONE as if they do…..for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
depression is sneaky.
i had no idea my brother was as lost as he was.
i would venture to say even some of the people closest to me didn’t know the extent of my brokenness.
depression is sneaky.
i am not sure even my brother knew how lost he was and i think it was simply a few extra moments in time of feeling as helpless and hopeless as he had ever felt to make it all go away in an instant.
i am not sure even i knew how deep of a hole my depression had taken me down. it’s easy to see it now. i am certain it was not then.
and while i have never taken steps to end my life, i realized something the last time i filled out the questionnaire at the dr’s office of just how bad my depression was. there is always a question asking if you have in the past or are currently having suicidal thoughts. i always answered no. but the last time, i realized i needed to be more honest with myself. i can’t tell you how many times i had thought, i could so easily pull into the other lane right now and let that semi hit me. i have thought about driving my vehicle into water. i have wished i just would not wake up. while these thoughts were always fleeting, someone not fighting a really big demon would not think these things.
i would say i am one of the lucky ones…..although i know luck has NOTHING to do it. i found my way back to God. i somehow found the strength to reach out somewhere along the line….but to paint a picture of how lost i was, i can’t even remember for sure when. i thank God i did. i thank God i found my voice and started being open and vulnerable about my pain.
it’s been a freaking hard, long road and depression still tries really hard to pull me back down from time to time….but with God’s grace, with sharing my story on social media platforms, with each therapy session, with each conversation with a trusted friend, with each Sunday in church again, with looking at my daughter while she sleeps, and with each blog post just like this, the darkness has less of a hold over me….less power over me. but i still have to say every day….not today Satan. not today.
i cry at the thought that my brother never got another chance like i did. and i have even wished it would have been me instead of him.
i know he was a fighter but he was just too tired.
but who he was in his short time here and how he did life is something to be remembered and something worth sharing with the world.
for “the days are long but the years are short.”
and the only thing left i can do for him here is this. to share God’s grace. to keep fighting. and to share our stories.
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if you are so fortunate as to not suffer from depression, i do pray that you simply make it your life’s mission to be kind to everyone.
be EXTRA kind in fact.
love harder.
listen more.
be patient.
take an extra moment with someone.
pray for others for no special reason.
it feels wreckless of me to offer advice when it comes to children, so all i will say is do everything in your power to protect, love and empower them 24/7. i don’t think anything can be too much when it comes to our kids.
but i also pray that if something this tragic has happened to you or should ever happen to you and your family that you not guilt and grieve yourself into dark places that you get stuck in for so long that you have to find superhero strength to come back from. i do not believe we will ever have answers on this side of life and you will make yourself crazy trying to find them. and trying to rush your healing is impossible.
listen to your heart. protect it. give yourself some grace and forgiveness. and grieve and accept in your own time.
and if you are someone who’s come to the end of yourself…..if you are suffering and broken and lost and feeling like there’s no other way out, i pray you find God and your faith like i did, and that you find your voice to reach out to someone you trust.
channel all the strength you have not to turn to food or alcohol or drugs or anything else. nothing external can never truly help you. those things will help you HIDE….and hide very temporarily….from your reality and that. is. all. ….and they will end up stealing much more from you than any peace you convinced yourself they give.
turn to God.
believe me, i know how impossible it sounds to be able to do that. for some, it will take every bit of strength you have left. but rest assured, you are not alone….feeling lost and desperate for an escape doesn’t make you less of a person, it makes you human….know that there is help and a way back….if you can somehow just take ONE small step back to life. because you are loved beyond your belief of it. because you are a fighter! because you have another chance…if you take it.
let go of yourself and let God in. “bring your sorrows and trade them for joy…from the ashes a new life is born…”
Are you hurting and broken within?
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin?
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well?
Jesus is calling
O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there’s no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling
O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Oh what a savior
Isn’t He wonderful?
Sing hallelujah…
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.
1-800-273-8255
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