wellll, DANG y’all!

it’s been a minute since i last blogged!

i’ve maybe used this line before but i’ve been busy napping & eating & stuff like that 😉 i’m good at multi-tasking (seriously, this is NOT something anyone should strive to be good at it…it’s not good for our brains y’all! so stop it! #psa) BUT it’s hard to blog when you’re sleeping. (i’m kinda kidding ‘cuz i don’t get as much sleep as i should! if you get 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night and you have at least one kiddo and one housepet, friend i wanna chat with you and find out how. even my hubby said the other morning, “Geez, every night is a shit show.” ha. #ittotallyis. between the 2 of us being light sleepers and both with snoring problems, a 7yo who rarely sleeps thru the night AND a puppy who would rather chew our ears and lay on our heads than sleep……well #shitshow. p.s. have y’all seen our 7yo (almost 8yo) & puppy tho?? i mean they’re really cute so who could be mad about it.)

 

ok, i’m back.

so, i thought i would share a part of where i’m at in my weight loss journey! last July, I recommitted to a new old goal i had of competing in a fitness competition in a BIKINI! eeeeek. yes.

i was seriously inspired by a couple coaches on my team who absolutely ROCKED something called the Beachbody Classic at our annual coach conference. i’ve wanted to compete it in for a few years now and while it’s not a typical competition in that it’s free to enter and a lot of people simply join because of their transformations and it’s not required to have a bikini-competitor physique, it’s still a BIG FREAKING deal!

here are the rockstars who inspired me to set the goal again! meet my friends Stacy & Kyra! i mean HOTTIES, right?!?! (they are beautiful on the inside, too, btw!)

but something happened in December and while my weight was going down (yay me!)….ha, yep, even during the holidays….i was starting to lose a little of my drive and fire to compete.

so for the past two months, i’ve been praying a lot about it and trying to figure out if i was losing interest in it because of FEAR or something else.

and, what did i discover you ask? well, even if you didn’t ask, i’m gonna have to tell ya anyway. 😉

truth is……heck yes i am freaking scared!! i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t.

but, i’m not as afraid of the dang bikini (i mean, i’ve shared pics of me in that thing countless times for the world to see).

i AM afraid of that stage (this introvert does NOT like being the center of attention….even for a minute). i AM afraid of posing (ha it just feels like it’s SO not me!!). i AM afraid of walking in heels lol (seriously, i look like a duck walking or like a really drunk girl). i AM afraid of what i’m gonna miss out on of the rest of my Summit experience if i do this (i’ve always had a problem with #fomo!!!! i would have to sacrifice a lot of time with my team and a lot of the other events and activities if i do this). i AM afraid that i’m just NOW coming into my own with my nutrition and that there just isn’t enuf time (now, again, The Classic is for anyone! Anyone proud of their transformation!). i AM afraid of the financial cost and the stress of needing to feel like i need to be perfect in my methods right now. AND, i AM afraid of becoming obsessed about food and the scale again. i’ve fought really hard to let go of both and the past month i’ve been borderline obsessive….maybe even past borderline if i wanna get really honest with myself. (I started this post about a month ago lol and am JUST finishing it now….so I’m coming back out of the obsessiveness somewhat but still struggling tbh.)

BUT, even given all that, i feel like my heart is telling me this just isn’t a big picture “bucket list” thing to me anymore.

i feel like God has been trying to tell me there’s something BIGGER & BETTER to focus my time, energy and even my finances on….(actually there are a FEW something(s) )

some “things” TRULY worth fighting for….

(and not that competing in a competition like this isn’t worth fighting for!!! i’m not saying that AT ALL ‘cuz it takes a LOT of fight to do something like that!!!)

but maybe something that’s worth more of MY fight right now…

and something that’s a bigger a part of my why and my purpose and what REALLY matters to me.

i don’t think standing on a stage in a bikini is going to fulfill me like what i’m turning my energy and passion towards…..

i decided that i HAVE to focus on my relationship with food again. i come so far in this journey and do really well for a period of time and then i tend to try put myself back in a box of what I should be doing before i know it, i find myself reverting. that’s what happened a month ago and thank goodness i can recognize it for what it is now. before, i could have easily gotten lost in it for months….a year even….i’ll be sharing more about what i’m doing right now in a separate post 🙂

so, i started going back to therapy twice a month and we’re specifically focusing on my relationship with food this time and using a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). You can read more about it HERE. I first learned about it from one of my fave trainers and mentors, Chalene Johnson (creator of TurboFire & PiYo!). She has used it as a way to heal and help her brain work thru places where it’s stuck. It’s really fascinating to me. We could end up somewhere really far away from FOOD thru this process. And, I’ve always said that it’s probably never been about FOOD….it’s about something else that’s happened over the course of my life and I’m super excited to unlock it once and for all so that I don’t have to REVERT ever again.

AND, on another exciting note, there is another thing i’ve started to work for and focus my time and energy on!…..

my hubby & i haven’t had the easiest of roads.

in fact, many couples would not would not have survived what we’ve been thru.

but, we’re still here.

we’re still fighting.

i’ll be sharing a lot more of our story on here and in my book when it finally gets written (of course with his grace to do so) because i think a lot of the resources and people who’ve helped us thru could help your relationship, too, if it’s in trouble….

okay, so, about a month ago (ha, like 2 months ago, now!!), i was laying in bed surfing Pinterest and i saw the words “vow renewal” and i lost my breath for a beat.

next year will be our 15th anniversary.

and we were together for like 9 years before that….so you can do the math lol….no really you ‘cuz i suck at math. 😉

it just really hit me that after all we’ve been thru, a VOW RENEWAL would be a HUGE CELEBRATION of it all! and something amazing for B, too!

so, of course i immediately started looking for a wedding dress and a new ring.

hey, don’t judge me. i never said i wasn’t a little superficial.

but as i was playing this EPIC event out in my mind lol, i started envisioning where i wanna do this and how much it will cost and yadda yadda. (mind you, he knew nothing about this yet lol ~ oh, yeah, honey btw….i’m planning another wedding)

so financially, i could do both. i could compete in the competition and STILL be able to do this vow renewal thing lol.

but i saw a video on YouTube by another coach who competed and she was running down JUST the cost of everything….and even tho there is no entry fee since it’s just for coaches, by the time you get a bikini wax and a fake tan and a suit and your hair done and jewelry and shoes and nails and on and on, she’s spent between $500 and $1000….not to mention the time commitment leading up to it and once you’re there.

one thing you should know about me if you haven’t already figured it out is i get like SUPER excited about things sometimes without thinking them alllllll the way thru. when i committed to this, i wasn’t thinking about the cost. and, while I could absolutely cut a lot of those things out, if i did this thing, i wouldn’t half-ass it. i’d put my whole ass into it lol. that’s just how i roll.

but the thought of spending the money and the time and the energy on it just brings me down more than it excites me now…..

and that money that i woulda spent on the competition can be used for my therapy AND saved until 2019 and used for a super cute but super casual PINK BLUSH wedding dress AND a dress for B ‘cuz seriously she is one of the most important reasons I wanna do this. she will absolutely FREAK out when we tell her about this and that she GETS to be IN THE WEDDING lol….and a venue! Whether we do this on a beach by the ocean or Vegas (seriously, already priced out the Chapel of the Flowers and I could pay for it with less money than i would spend on the competition!) or honestly maybe we’ll even just do it on a cliff overlooking Sakakawea lol.

it really doesn’t matter where….but i just decided that life is short and God and family come first. my competition was important to me….but i realized it really was only important to ME. i’m not sure it would’ve added value to my family in the season that we’re in and in the struggles i continue to fight.  (ha, tbh, not only was it maybe not going to add value to my family, it was already causing stress for all of us and it was only gonna get worse…) like i said, i think i need to be really careful of how i invest my time and how i invest my mind. i think if i continued on with this competition, my on-the-edge-of-obsession would not get better. in fact, i had a really good chat with a gal i met in a Facebook group who also has issues with food and who ALSO trained for a competition. her competition coach told her that he strongly feels women with existing foods issues should not try to compete.

ok, so, here’s the deal. i don’t always follow thru with things. i get caught up in emotion and excitement and since i’m super passionate, it sometimes is to a fault. HOWEVER, i also think that’s just part of life ~ don’t we all set out for things sometimes….maybe even more than once….that just don’t work out? i think THAT’S OKAY! i think it’s OKAY to take chances. i think it’s OKAY to stretch yourself. i think it’s OKAY to shoot for the moon and land somewhere in the stars! i think it’s OKAY when things just don’t work out……because i believe God is always leading us to our BEST YES’s. the miracle could be just around the OTHER corner. the competition just wasn’t a BEST YES for me RIGHT NOW….and maybe not ever given my past. and, again, that’s OKAY. because believe me….i’m gonna keep taking chances! i’m gonna keep shooting for the moon! i’m gonna keep failing forward! i’m gonna keep listening to my heart and to what He’s trying to tell me! and i do want to thank all my clients, coaches and friends who have supported me and kept telling me i could do this thing even when i felt like i couldn’t! yes, it turns out that maybe i “can’t”….but i’m forever grateful for everyone in my corner who said i could!

(on a side note, i’ve talked about this book before but if you’re wondering what i mean by my BEST YES, you can find out by clicking HERE. it’s an amazing book ~ especially for us women who wear so many hats and are people-pleasers by nature. if you have a hard time saying no, if you are overwhelmed with your seemingly never-ending to-do list and with the demands of your life, i highly recommend this book! it may just help you find your peace and your power to say yes to the RIGHT things and NO to the wrong!)

so, there you have it. i’m trading the goal picture on my bathroom mirror of a girl in a bikini to THIS!
and i’m truly at PEACE with my decision….with my BEST YES!

i thought about simply trying to get back into my dress from our wedding day 🙂
but it’s a disaster….i hate to say i never even had it cleaned lol!
and i also want something way more casual, fun and light!
oh, and did i say it’s PINK?!? lol

but while i may not be going to WEAR it for the vow renewal, i have VOWED to get back into it!! (see what i did there?!?)

As you can see from the back view, i have a ways to go! (and this is a gut check because I called myself “fat” on my wedding day….in fact, my self-hate that day ruined a lot of my fun and it’s another reason I want a vow renewal with a me that loves herself and can just enjoy the moments….today I’m FAR from fitting into the dress I wore that day but I don’t consider myself fat! the transformation on the inside my friends!! WAY more important than the outside…) i’ve lost 15″ with the program i’m doing so i’m confident i will get there by next year at this time!!! (I’m also learning not to rush this! ha, patience is a virtue!) Stay tuned about my EMDR and my new WEDDING DRESS journey instead of my bikini journey!

Oh, and btw…..HE SAID YES!
i almost forgot to say that lol.