Sometimes i find a REALLY good title to a blog post and i think….hmmmm, that could actually just be enough said.
Buttttttttttttttttttt that’s so not my style.
Soooooo, HEY THERE Y’ALL! It’s been a while! So, settle in ‘cuz we may be here for a while lol.
My new blog is still in development and when working with my developer he said something about needing “creative space” as bloggers and how important it is to FEEL like your site is your home and your energy. I think I had lost that a little bit with this space. But, I finally decided that I need to just write and share here ‘cuz it’s all I have right now! It could honestly be another month or two until that thing is live so…..here I am finally writing!
But be sure to come back to this one and I’m really hoping that I can carve out enough time to at least post a couple times a week again 🙂
Ok, so, back in June of this year, we made a discovery with some health issues I’d been having. You can also read about THAT discovery HERE if you’re new 🙂
I knew the road to regaining my health wasn’t going to be easy.
But, I was SO excited to take control again! I had just spent the better part of 2-1/2 years feeling so out of control with my body and my emotions. I had always struggled with self-confidence and self-love and I’ve always been emotional (I just hid it better when I was younger lol), but this time in my life felt like the hardest it had been since losing my brother….except I had no answers as to why.
There was no tragedy. There were no known illnesses. And, for a long time in there, I’m not even sure I recognized just how bad it all was!
So, while these past 6 months haven’t been easy, it was a road I had to go down and it’s honestly seemed like a piece of cake compared to what had been happening for so long….. AND, as my usual, I’ve learned so so much about myself and life and grown threw it all!
I put my trust back into my doctors. While I do still believe we have to do our due diligence when it comes to our bodies, I knew I was in a place to at least try what they were suggesting.
So, this has meant, going on the Pill to help my body regulate itself and help with the PCOS-like metabolism I found myself with…..to going back off because I tried to take things into my own hands again and wanted to be “hormone free”…..to going back on again lol. Now, this is just my story, but I will say that I really wanted to be hormone free! So, if you are, I’m very happy for you! And, there are times now that I’m back on that I do worry what it’s doing to me. But, I also know how my body feels with & without it and I made the decision to stay on because I feel so much better and more stable on it.
I’ve had more bloodtests and ultimately a colonoscopy to find out what’s going on with my tummy troubles. They were so much better once the Mirena was gone….but they were there before it….most of my life….and they continued to be after it was gone. The good news is, the colonoscopy ruled out anything “structural”….which is great because that means I don’t have colitis or cancer or Chron’s or anything like that. (And, here’s my PSA on colonoscopies….don’t not get one because you’re scared or stubborn. They are a piece of cake compared to feeling like crap or letting something go undetected!! I was terrified of the process for no reason 🙂 )
My official diagnosis is IBS-D (irritable bowel syndrome with diarrhea). Ha, yep, fun stuff. If you’re new, yes, we do talk about poop around here. I’ve thought for a long time this is what I had and several previous doctors were assuming this as well, but there was never an “official” diagnosis until now! Ha, some 30 years later. I was referred to my family dr. And, he wanted to start attacking this by putting me on low-dose Paxil, an anti-depressant. Through this whole thing, I’d been pretty adamant about not wanting to be on antidepressants. Not because I believe they aren’t necessary in certain cases….but again, because of personal choice and in my case. But, he explained that our approach isn’t really a therapeutic dose for depression but it can be beneficial for IBS patients for pain and diarrhea. And, guess what!?! I haven’t had a lot of pain since I started!! I do still have issues on the other side of it but not nearly as often or life-limiting…..but not having the chronic pain and discomfort has been a BLESSING. I’m not eliminating any foods at this point. I’m eating gluten and dairy and having a few drinks here and there. I limit red meat and am focusing on fiber with fruits & veggies. And, while all this might change as I learn more about what’s working and what isn’t and how I can feel my absolute best, I’m doing really well for the first time in a long time!! The scale is going down! My bloating continues to be much improved….as long as I don’t eat fast food or overeat in general. My acne is under control again (yeah, I’m giving the Pill some credit for that and also focusing on clean nutrition). And, I just feel emotionally HEALTHY! I mean, as I’ve said before, I’m always gonna be a certain level of batshit crazy….but at least I feel like I have some control over my emotions and response to life in general now.
Ok, so enough of the boring details about the HOW I’ve been recovering.
And, onto the only YOU decide what breaks you part…..
I’ve talked a lot about my health and my weight and my struggles on this blog.
And, we ALL have our own SHIT, right?!?
Well, all of this just about broke me…..and everything that matters.
I’ve touched on all these things a little before but now that I’m ALMOST on the other side of it all, I can see more clearly just how close I was to losing much of it…..
I was not the wife I wanted to be. In fact, I just about lost my marriage and the tough part of us finding each other is far from over. I’ll be unpacking this part of the story more…and yes, it will be with my hubby’s approval of course…..but, I think this is such an important part of my story to share because……well, because marriage is hard as shit!!! Crazy-ass-wife aside, marriage is freaking hard! It’s not a 50/50 thing. It’s a 100/100 thing! And, Satan is constantly going to be attacking your marriage because that’s the way he breaks apart families. You have to know how to fight! I’m of the belief you have to know how to use God to FIGHT or he WILL outsmart you. He just about did me….and he continues to try on the daily lol but he’s getting far less effective. So, I want to share with y’all some of the things that have been pulling us through the storm. Even if you don’t need them when you read them as the story unfolds, I think often of the saying that everyone is either coming through a storm, in the midst of one or headed into one…..so, maybe you can save it for later 😉
I was not the mom I wanted to be and I’ve been working REALLY hard to let go of the guilt. If you read the post about our not-so-little-journey, you know I already had a lot of mom guilt from when she was born, so this recent season in our lives has been another challenge to overcome. And, our marriage was not a picture of what I want her to see and learn from. But, as with anything as a parent, you do the BEST you can with what you have any given day. I’m giving myself some grace and working hard to make sure I don’t have to feel like that again with her. And, she’s turning out really quite well despite me lol.
I was not the friend I wanted to be and was not there like I wanted to be for the rest of my family. I’ve had friendships that were on the edge of failing but I’ve learned that the ones who really love you will give you some grace and a second (or third lol) chance. And, nothing I ever did….or didn’t do….was to intentionally hurt anyone and again the people who really love you will know that about you. I think just as being a parent, you do the best you can with what you have any given day. And, other friendships I’ve had to let go of. It took a lot of getting real with myself to see what really served me, and while it hasn’t been easy, finding true peace and freedom rarely is.
I was far from the coach I wanted to be. I was scattered and disorganized and not sure how to help people. I would get really excited when I was feeling well and I would show up but I recognize that I lost a lot of trust with my clients because I had a hard time staying in the game FOR THEM. And, I’m working really hard to try to regain that trust and get those relationships back. I’m not sure I deserve it and it may be too late for some, but I want to be there the best I can, I WILL BE BETTER and I’m not going anywhere! I’m in this for life!
I was far from the leader I wanted to be. And, this was a hard one for me to understand, but I was at a John Maxwell conference a few months ago and it was said that you can’t lead others until you’re leading yourself. Wow, truth moment! I hadn’t been leading myself for quite some time. I’m back to leading myself ~ with the help of some freaking ah-mazing people in my life and the Man upstairs. I’m back to working on how to find what my team needs. And, I’m realizing that they don’t need me to be an expert in anything and they don’t need me to be perfect. They just need me to show the F up and support them and provide them accountability and LOVE.
And, I was far from the person and the Christian I wanted to be. I felt really sorry for myself. I didn’t pray for healing as much as I needed to. In fact, I asked God why…why me more times than I care to admit. I said how many times can I get knocked down more times than I care to admit. I found that stupid victim mentality I had fought so hard to give up when I first started coaching and writing.
But, my truth was that only I can decide what breaks me! Only I can decide to let Satan win. Only I can decide to not get back up.
So, I decided that I’m kinda like the comeback kid! I prayed over my health! I prayed for my marriage and for my husband (starting with THIS book btw…definitely recommend!). I prayed for grace and patience and guidance as a mom. I prayed for grace as a friend and for understanding from the rest of my family. I prayed for the people who have joined me in this crazy, fun, rollercoaster ride as a coach. I prayed over my team and my business. And, I prayed for ME! I prayed not for life to be easy but for me to keep the faith when it’s anything but.
I’m not giving up on any of what matters! The fight is never over! And, if you’re in a similar place where you feel like you’re about to lose it all, take a step back and ask yourself who the real enemy is AND who is making the calls in your life.
An ah-mazing friend shared this with me last week and it’s freaking perfect for what I’m sure so many of you out there have fought or are fighting right now!
Note to Self:
The lonely self,
the broken-hearted self,
the hopeless self,
the worrier self,
the hanging-by-a-thread self,
the not-myself-today self,
the looking-for-a-bright-spot self,
this one’s for you:
You got back up when you could’ve broken down.
You kept shining when you could’ve faded to gray.
You held on when you could’ve let go.
You kept your head above water when you could’ve gone under.
You come back to love when you are completely overwhelmed by life.
You come back to love when you have no clue what you’re doing.
You come back to love when you’re hungry & tired.
You come back to love when you feel worthless and inadequate.
You come back to love when it’s the last thing you want to do.
You come back to love when you feel as though you have no love to give.
You’re a living, breathing COMEBACK STORY.
Let that change your view on this less-than-stellar morning.
Let that change your view on the disarray that surrounds you.
Let that change your view of the puffy eyes and saggy skin you see in the mirror.
Let that change your view of the mistakes of yesterday replaying in your head.
Your lowest point might just be your finest hour.
Because you came back.
You keep coming back.
~Only Love Today
HELL TO THE YES, RIGHT?!?! WE did all that! Us comeback kids! And, we get back up and we do it again every dang day!
only YOU can decide what breaks you…..”comebacks aren’t found on a timeline…..they’re found within.”
Ok y’all! Thanks for stopping!! And, stay tuned for more of the story, for where I’m at in the bikini competition journey, and for some exciting opportunities coming our way AND check out a few of the pics by Amanda Magnuson Photography that I’m super excited to see on my new site hopefully VERY soon!